Could Your Commode Be Flushing Away Your Chances of True Love?

Answers Inc.: Welcome to another installment of Dear Off-Kilter, in which we tackle reader questions found in the trash cans of Ann Landers, Dr. Ruth and “Wheel of Fortune” (sample query: Can I buy a vowel? Answer: No).

Question: What happens to hurricanes after they cause all that death and destruction?

Answer: Believe it or not, many go on to lead useful, productive lives. For example, 1954’s Hurricane Hazel now works as a wind tunnel for Boeing. And Hurricane Andrew is a respected congressman from Ohio. But other cyclones seem beyond rehabilitation. Hurricane Floyd was arrested two days ago outside a bar in Nova Scotia and awaits extradition to the U.S. So far, Floyd maintains his innocence, claiming he was chipping golf balls in his frontyard at the time of the alleged attack on North Carolina.

Question: Can you explain how feng shui works?

Answer: Yes.

Question: Well??

Answer: Oh. Feng shui (pronounced “feng shui”) is the ancient Chinese art of arranging furniture and other objects so they are “in harmony with the universe” and allow a smooth flow of positive energy, or chi. This supposedly brings good luck, prosperity and 20% fewer cavities. However, if chi is blocked, bad things can happen.

For instance, if you have a toilet in the southwest corner of your house, it can ruin your love life, according to feng shui masters. That’s fine if you want to break up with someone and don’t know how, but otherwise you need to put a crystal over the commode to improve chi. Another obstacle to chi (we’re not making any of this up) is exposed ceiling beams. The only solution is to hang small Chinese firecrackers from the beams to “symbolically explode” the negative chi, experts say.

The theory has become so trendy that one company actually sells a line of feng shui makeup.

Naturally, we foresee other applications, such as feng shui hairstyles, feng shui legal defenses (“Your honor, I had to shoot him; he was blocking my chi”) and feng shui plastic surgery. In the last instance, experts will claim that having arms on opposite sides of the torso blocks chi and will advise people to have one limb surgically relocated. Or, if that’s unaffordable, just hang Chinese firecrackers from your armpits to symbolically explode the bad chi.

Question: What is the best way to judge a presidential candidate--character, platform or professional wrestling experience?

Answer: None of the above. The key qualification is whether the candidate’s last name ends with the letter “n.” According to Rutgers University political science professor Ross Baker, 16 presidents have had last names ending in “n”: Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Jackson, Van Buren, two Harrisons, Buchanan, Lincoln, two Johnsons, Wilson, Truman, Nixon, Reagan and Clinton.

We can’t believe he forgot McKinley, but that’s a small oversight. Other observers say it’s superficial to judge presidential mettle by a person’s name. They prefer height (the tallest candidate usually wins) or geography (the person from the state farthest to the west usually wins).

The height edge goes to Bill Bradley. But John McCain has the n-factor and he’s from Arizona. So the race is his to lose--especially if he starts wearing platform shoes.

Question: What’s the best supermarket tabloid headline today?

Answer: “Man Turns Into a Werewolf at Planetarium Lunar Show!” (Weekly World News).

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for harmonious chi.