Finding a Proper Way to Give Birthday Thanks
Dear Vicki: Throwing a birthday party for my kindergarten son is so much hard work--and I’m not referring to the balloons, games and cake and ice cream part. It’s the thank-you notes that I feel obliged to write to all the guests for their gifts.
Where did this tradition start? I don’t want to sound like I don’t have any manners, but I would never have thought to write a card to 15 to 20 3-year-olds if I hadn’t received them from all the mothers of kids whose parties my son attended. Isn’t this a little over the top?
--A SIMPLE WORD WILL DO
Dear Word: Before we get to your particular complaint, I feel I must put in a good word for all parents who commit to teaching some old-fashioned manners, like the written note, to a generation that wouldn’t recognize a fountain pen if it poked them in the eye. Letter writing is a delicious mode of communication, inspiring quiet thought and reverie, and saying “thank you” is always a good thing.
OK, about those thank-you notes written by beleaguered parents for kids whose writing skills are still at crayon level.
I think the whole problem began innocently enough when moms realized that it’s better to save the opening of gifts until the wide-eyed little guests go home. That’s well and good, but it deprived the giver of the chance to see if the present was duly appreciated, and the “givee” a chance to say thanks.
Those of us who have been through this (I’ve thrown 32 birthday parties to date for my four kids) know how frustrating it can be to sit next to a 6-year-old who is ripping into five boxes at a time before you can match gift to giver. I confess I’ve sent cards that simply thanked the child for sharing in the fun and made no mention of the gift--because I had no idea what it was.
On behalf of the mothers of all the pre-literate kids in Los Angeles, I am vowing to be the first in my group to stop writing letters for my kids. (The only exception is for things that are mailed or shipped.)
Another idea: Have you seen those little cards (sold in the same aisle as kids’ party invitations) that are fill-in-the-blank thank yous? Now that’s a terrific way to introduce the responsibility of saying thanks in written form without requiring a 7-year-old to write 15 dissertations on gratitude.
By third grade, your child is probably up to the social grace of sending a short note whenever someone gives him something. Don’t expect him--or her--to be enthusiastic about it, but show him how to get two or three done each day to minimize the agony.
Thanks for the gentle reminder that I, too, have a few thank-yous to write--to some adults!
Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, SoCal Living, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.
