LAUGH LINES

Hale Chief: President Clinton had his annual physical at Bethesda Naval Hospital. “Clinton had one of those whole, thorough exam things. I guess they were looking for an honest bone in his body.” (Jay Leno)

Hale Chief II: “He looks forward to that presidential checkup. It’s that one time of the year when he can drop his pants without getting sued.” (David Letterman)

Go Figure: A customer trying to set a world record has eaten in more than 11,000 McDonald’s restaurants. “Did somebody say . . . moron?” (Rudolph J. Cecera)

It’s All Starting to Become Clear: In France, a health spa allows customers to bathe in red wine because it claims that red wine has chemicals that delay the aging process. “I guess that’s why alcoholics and winos always look so young and vigorous.” (Leno)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Low points during Dan Quayle’s presidential campaign:

9. Spent 16 hours in surgery because “them campaign buttons look like candy.”

8. When he saw a U.S. map and said, “No way--there’s a North Dakota?”

7. His pledge to “make the infirm elderly pull their own weight.”

6. His overconfident boast, “We’ll win all 36 states!”

5. Used a podium while addressing Americans Against Podiums.

4. Called for a “full-scale war on literacy.”

2. Chose this slogan: “A vote for Quayle is a vote straight down the toilet.”

1. His support of clemency for Ricky Martin.

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