There Are Some Bad Ideas Afoot on Sunset Strip

Sunset Strip has been known for many things--glamorous nightclubs, sweat-humid rock ‘n’ roll clubs, theme-parked night spots, iconic hostelries, overdoses and overkill--but irony has seldom been one of them. If anything, the Strip is painfully unambiguous, a model of straightforward, unabashed consumer stimulation. With its brooding billboards and dancing neon, it is designed to be enjoyed in passing, a corridor of eye-chatter, complementary entertainment for the motoring masses.

Such an experience, however, entails movement. Forward movement. Preferably at speeds above 10 miles an hour. Which has, of late, become a rare experience on the Sunset Strip. Not that it’s ever been a speedy thoroughfare; but most days, there is a consistent flow to Strip-wending, a certain assurance of timely arrival.

Until they decided to put those fancy-schmancy brick pedestrian crosswalks all over the place.

*

For the past few months, the most ubiquitous signage on the section of Sunset between Crescent Heights Boulevard and Cory Avenue has been “Bumps Ahead.”

There is something so steadfastly hopeful about those perky orange diamonds that accessorize any major roadwork. “Delays Ahead,” for instance, is much more optimistic than its accurate alternative--”Abandon hope all ye who enter here,” or “I would turn back if I were you.”

And so it is with “Bumps Ahead.” Now, I don’t know how the Department of Public Works or the city of West Hollywood define the word “bump,” but nowhere in Roget’s Thesaurus is it listed as a reasonable alternative to “trench” or “perpendicular pit edged with steel plates.” Yet this is pretty much what we are dealing with along this boulevard of dreams.

*

Because before all those lovely bricks can be put in, the pavement must be dug out. Clearly this is more complicated than it seems, what with the inevitable discovery of old Ciro’s matchbooks and the subsequent deluge of archeology students--undoubtedly the reason this relatively minor procedure has dragged on for months and has already exceeded its Oct. 1 completion date.

It’s not the fact of the inconvenience that makes these “bumps” worth mentioning (although it is interesting to watch the burly SUVs skid to a complete halt, then tippy-toe across like some water-phobic Disney elephant fording a stream, while the little compacts buzz right by). No, what’s disturbing is the cause: pedestrian walkways. The needs of motorists placing second to the needs of pedestrians. On the Sunset Strip. In the beating heart of nobody-walks-in-L.A.

Sacrilege may be too strong a word, but irony is not. Because the walkways are just a symptom, a telltale twitch caused by the latest urban disease: pedestrian fever. One could argue it started at Santa Monica’s Third Street Promenade, or Old Town Pasadena, this need for blocks of commercial strollability, the endless clusters of wedding-white outdoor cafe furniture, the sandwich board signs, the street-fair festivity of it all.

Which has its place, of course--in Greenwich Village, say, or even Larchmont. But not on the Sunset Strip. Even the name makes that much clear. One cruises a strip, holds drag races on a strip. One tools, powers, even zooms down a strip. One does not perambulate down a strip.

So if Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf isn’t doing enough business on Sunset, put in a drive-thru window and let’s get this show back on the road.