Play That Funky Music, Holy Father

Footloose Church Bureau: A prancing priest who performs aerobics during Catholic Mass has become one of Brazil’s hottest pop sensations. Father Marcelo Rossi, a sort of South American version of Richard Simmons, fills soccer stadiums with his church services--and his new CD just hit No. 1 on Brazil’s pop charts with the song “Vira de Jesus,” which translates as “Jesus Twist.”

Needless to say, the “Jesus Twist” has revived a centuries-old theological debate over whether Christ preferred the twist, the frug or some other dance.

Fortunately, modern scholars are beginning to shed some light on the subject. In Italy, for example, archeologists recently discovered a second Shroud of Turin, known as the “Leisure Suit of Turin,” which is said to be the cloak that Jesus wore when he and the disciples went to nightclubs.

Meanwhile, Bible experts have been reexamining the Dead Sea Scrolls and making some startling claims. One scholar believes the gospel account of Jesus miraculously feeding the 5,000 was mistranslated. In the earliest manuscripts, he says, Jesus fed the 5,000 and then led them in a primitive version of the Electric Slide.

Another scholar theorizes that when Jesus walked on water, he was actually moonwalking on the water, long before the dance step was popularized by Michael Jackson. As evidence, he cites John the Baptist’s prediction of a Messiah “whose platform sandals I am not worthy to untie.”

Logo Police: For most Americans, Thanksgiving has always meant turkey with stuffing, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and, of course, the traditional Bank of America logo souffle. But that menu is now in jeopardy.

According to the Charlotte Observer, it is no longer permissible to eat the Bank of America logo. Apparently, BofA employees who were using the company’s logo on cake frosting and other snacks recently received a memo from the bank’s “brand council” warning them that “the logo cannot be eaten, so please refrain from putting it on cakes and other edible items.”

Off-Kilter has since uncovered other rules, including: Do not dress the logo in women’s clothing. Do not swear in front of the logo. Do not lie to the logo (for example, don’t tell the logo you’re going to get it a puppy for Christmas and then give it a sweater instead). Do not expect the logo to “put out” on the first date.

Lost Angeles Bureau: We usually keep our snout out of Los Angeles politics, but someone needs to warn the populace that Mayor Richard Riordan is wrecking the city. Last week, he let Houston intercept our bid for an NFL team. This week, Houston stole L.A.’s crown as America’s smoggiest city.

What’s next? The Houston Clippers? If Riordan isn’t careful, we could lose all our municipal treasures. San Fernando Valley secessionists might even launch a petition drive to relocate the entire Valley to Texas.

Off-K Datebook: Last week was National Get Organized Week, which we meant to tell you about earlier.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Farmer Puts Sneakers on All His Barnyard Animals! ‘Now My Cows Give More Milk and My Hens Lay More Eggs’ ” (Weekly World News)

But it wasn’t easy finding tennis shoes to fit over chicken claws.

Unpaid Informants: Reuters, San Francisco Chronicle. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Please do not eat the Off-Kilter logo printed above the column.