Meanwhile, Back on the Vivarium
Insect Lawyers Bureau: It’s always a thrill to get threatening letters from lawyers, especially when their clients are ants.
After our report on a man who wants to have his cremated ashes placed in a “massive ant farm tombstone,” we heard from insect attorney Marvin H. Kleinberg, who wrote: “As the representative of Uncle Milton Industries Inc., proprietors of the registered trademark ‘Ant Farm,’ we must object.” Kleinberg said we should have used the term “ant vivarium.”
Normally, we would tell Uncle Milton Industries Inc. to “go to hell,” but, unfortunately, we just found out that phrase is now a service trademark owned by our cable company. So instead, we xeroxed the letter for our editor, underlining the key passages with a magic marker. (Actually, we underlined one part by mistake, but we were able to erase it with liquid paper and a kleenex.)
Our boss assured us we had nothing to worry about, but we’re not taking chances. To avoid future trouble, Off-Kilter is instituting several changes. From now on, in addition to dropping the term “ant farm” (except in connection with the phrase “inhabited by radioactive fire ants who kill small children”), we’re replacing the words “funny farm” with “funny vivarium” and “bought the farm” with “bought the parcel of land, often containing a barn, on which crops and animals are raised.”
(Note to attorneys for Xerox, Magic Marker, Liquid Paper and Kleenex: When your letters arrive, we will immediately toss them into a dumpster.)
(Note to Dumpster lawyers: Same deal.)
(Note to readers: The contents of this column are intended for personal reading only. Any reproduction without the express written consent of Roy Rivenburg, the Los Angeles Times, Alan Dershowitz and ratification by two-thirds of the state legislatures is prohibited.)
The End Is Near: We’re worried about the word “the.” Long known as grammar’s supreme article, it has suddenly become politically incorrect. Case in point: Los Angeles’ new Staples Center arena, whose owners insist it be referred to simply as “Staples Center” instead of “the Staples Center.”
Paraphrasing Gertrude Stein’s famous comment, they claim there’s no “the” there.
Their reasoning: People don’t say “the Edison Field.” True, but they do say “the Coliseum,” “the Forum,” “the Astrodome,” “the Pond,” “the Acropolis” and “the Donald” (as in Trump).
And maybe the reason nobody says “the Edison Field” is because most people still call it “Anaheim Stadium,” the name given before corporations started turning every public place into a giant billboard. How long until companies also start sponsoring freeways (the Playtex Cross-Bronx Cross-Your-Heart Bra Expressway), city names (New York Peppermint Patties) and holidays (GE’s Easter--We bring good things to life)?
But we digress. Our point is, “the” is under gun. Even here at newspaper, word is slowly and subtly being ousted from English language, especially in headlines. Movie studios have also begun deleting word from titles (see “Titanic” and “Fight Club”). And a popular supermarket tabloid now refers to itself as just “Star.”
If trend continues, other articles (“a,” “an”) could also get ax. Only choice would be finding new word as substitute. Maybe “vivarium.”
Best Tabloid Headline: “Bible-Eating Goat Is Worshiped Like a Saint!” (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Pamm Higgins, Susanna Timmons, Carolyn Kimball. E-mail the Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. The Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
