LAUGH LINES

Kindred Spirits?: Elizabeth Dole quit the 2000 presidential race last week, citing lack of funds. “She did not officially endorse another candidate yet. But she did donate all her hair spray to Donald Trump.” (Jay Leno)

What a Guy: “[Al Gore’s] got a bunch of new TV ads; pretty good too. Have you seen the one highlighting his military career in Vietnam? Pretty impressive. Al Gore claims he actually bored 17 enemy soldiers to death.” (Leno)

What a Gov: “Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura’s recent visit to Harvard set a record. While there, he managed to offend all 7,000 students in less than 6 minutes, 8 seconds.” (Steve Voldseth)

What a Prez: “Bill Clinton, the president of the United States, announced . . . that he plans to make a speech to the American people just minutes before the turn of the millennium. In the speech, he’s expected to apologize in advance for whatever he does at the New Year’s party.” (Conan O’Brien)

Star Power: Gov. Gray Davis signed a bill allowing the state’s motorists to buy license plates with the likeness of Ronald Reagan. “In keeping with the Hollywood theme, the first one off the assembly line will be made by Robert Downey Jr.” (Bob Mills)

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