The Responsibilities of Family Planning Extend to Old Age Too

A few days ago, a friend told me I was lucky because of the way my parents died. My father died suddenly from a heart attack while on vacation; my mother died suddenly in her home.

It took me a moment to get past my surprise to understand what my friend was saying.

His elderly mother had just had her second stroke, could not speak, had difficulty walking. Essentially, she could not function without daily care and monitoring.

Unfortunately, my friend’s father was not sufficiently stable on his feet, either. The couple had moved to Texas some years ago to avoid the cold of the northeast.

We talked some and I saw the anguish of this fairly common situation: By not recognizing the likelihood of declining health and growing dependence on others as they grow older, parents risk a situation that is much more difficult for everyone.

Should my friend’s parents quickly sell their home in Texas and move into a nearby but unfamiliar senior complex? At least that would include help with daily activities and therapy for the effects of the stroke.

Should my friend or his sister in New York try to bring the parents to live near one of them? This would enable them to offer more help but would move the parents away from all of their friends.

Should nothing be done now, because the situation is so unstable? No one knows if his mother will improve, get worse or even perhaps die. Doing nothing now would require assistants to be in the home most of the time his mother is awake. At this stressful time, my friend’s father is overwhelmed and in no place to make a decision.

My friend wants to do what’s best for his parents, but his mother can’t talk, his father can’t decide and he and his sister don’t always agree or communicate as well as they would like. To make things more complicated, there are issues about how best to use limited financial resources.

What to do? Why do people act like illness in old age is a surprise? Is this the new taboo topic that parents and their children can’t talk about? (“If we don’t talk about it, it won’t happen to us.”)

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Being a loving child means gently but firmly trying to talk about this topic long before you need to. Yes, it’s scary. And yes, during the discussion someone may cry or get upset. But what topic is more important for a family to discuss?

If you love your parents (or your kids), if you want to protect them (and yourself), you must talk with them and plan with them what to do if (when) someone becomes seriously ill or disabled.

If you don’t want to talk about this, or if you can’t, maybe you could just pray for a tornado to hit your parents the day before they get sick.