Here’s an Opportunity to Explain That Teasing Is Cowardly and Cruel

Dear Vicki: I was driving my kids and their friends, ages 8 to 10, to the mall the other day, and I was shocked to hear them refer to some boy in school as “gay.” Where do they learn this stuff?

--SHOCKED CHAUFFEUR

Dear Chauffeur: My experience is they learn this stuff on the playground where it passes through the air invisibly like swear words and rhymes such as “Lizzie Borden Took an Ax.” It’s also my experience that a kid’s use of the word “gay” is not really about homosexuality but, rather, a general diss on any kid who is sensitive, not great at team sports or who tells the teacher on the bullies.

I think you were right to interrupt this kind of talk in your car, and perhaps you could have taken it a step further by explaining that the word “gay” isn’t an insult and is OK if used accurately. After all, the kids in your car are all old enough to read the word in any paper or magazine.

Since I believe in Driver’s Diplomatic Immunity (which means, when you’re in my car, you live by my laws), I would also have taken this little parenting opportunity to talk about my personal loathing of all labels and insults. You might also touch on the child being chided and find out why they were so snotty about his feelings.

It’s never too early to teach that ganging up against someone who seems “different” is cowardly and wrong. And that someday they may be the one who is perceived as different.

No matter how much of a roll you’re on, it’s best if you conclude this intervention well before you get to any specific discussion of homosexuality or any other personal behaviors. That job is best left to each passenger’s parents. Moms and dads are entitled to explain the birds, bees and assorted biology in their own way--no matter how convinced we may be that our way is best.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and mother of four. Every Sunday, she’ll answer questions about family, parenting and relationships. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; or you may e-mail her at GrlfrndsVI@aol.com. Please include your name and phone number. Questions cannot be answered individually, and no telephone calls, please.