The Cutting Edge / Personal Technology : Instant Messaging Can Be an Instant Annoyance Without Etiquette

Several years ago, I wrote about e-mail etiquette to help PC users understand how to responsibly use what was for most people a pretty new form of communication. And, while there are still plenty of people who either don’t know or refuse to abide by some basic rules of e-mail courtesy, an increasing number of people now understand that e-mail brings its own challenges to polite conversation.

Even though people are starting to become comfortable using e-mail, we now have another form of communication that brings new challenges. Instant messaging is to e-mail what e-mail is to formal letter writing. It’s faster, more spontaneous and raises some of its own issues on how to behave.

The first thing you need to remember about instant messages is that they not only arrive immediately but require a live “real time” response if you’re going to have a conversation. That’s terrific if both parties want to chat, but it can be awkward if the recipient is too busy, not in the mood or simply doesn’t want to talk with you.

The America Online service, AOL’s Instant Messenger software (AIM) for the Internet, Microsoft’s MSN Messenger and most other instant messaging programs let you set up a “buddy list” or contact list with the names of people you communicate with. The software tells you if your buddy is online at the same time you are, and if so, you can send a message. That brings up a number of issues.

I use AIM to communicate with both friends and business associates and typically have it running in the background when my PC is turned on. Because I have a cable modem, my machine is always connected to the Internet. The same is true for people whose computers at work are connected to the Internet via their company’s network.

So, in my case, my machine might be online even though I’m not there to respond. Fortunately, both AIM and MSN Messenger have a feature that sends back an automatic message telling the person that I’m away from the PC so their feelings aren’t hurt if I don’t respond.

But sometimes I am at the PC and don’t want to respond. When a message arrives, I hear a beep and see the message pop up on my screen.

For the longest time, I felt compelled to respond to all messages, and I still generally do send back a quick response. But if I’m really busy or simply don’t want to interact with that person, I feel that it’s OK to ignore a message. After all, it’s my life, and my right to decide when I want to be interrupted.

I sometimes feel a bit awkward when I send someone else a message. I wonder if the person really wants to hear from me or if I’m being a pest. I always start with a quick note asking, “got a minute?” or “busy?” which gives the person an easy out if he or she can’t chat.

And, just as with a telephone call, it’s important to be courteous about ending the conversation when either party feels it’s time to go. A simple “gotta go” should be your cue to say “bye” and end the dialogue.

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As with other forms of communication, there is a difference between personal and business use. Sometimes, usually late at night, I’ll have relatively long chats with friends. I can carry on the conversation while I’m doing other things at my PC, so it doesn’t require my full attention, as would a phone call. During the day, I often use instant messaging for business conversations. In most cases, it’s to ask a quick question or arrange a phone call or meeting. But if it can wait, I’ll send e-mail instead.

Instant messaging also brings up some privacy issues. The AOL service and the Internet messaging programs have privacy options that let you hide from specific users or all users so that people don’t necessarily know you’re online. But most services make it possible for anyone who knows your user name to tell if you’re online.

In most situations, that’s not a big deal, but it can give people information you might not want to reveal.

I have a friend who’s in a bitter divorce battle who worries that his soon-to-be ex-wife is tracking his online behavior on AOL. “When I’m in a chat room, she probably assumes I’m having cyber-sex.” He could block everyone from knowing he’s online, but he wants to be available for his other buddies. He could block just her, but he’s afraid she’ll log on under a different user name. One AOL option (available at keyword “buddy list”) lets you enter the screen names of the people you want to chat with so that only they know you’re online.

Even though instant messaging is informal, you’re still leaving the cyber-equivalent of a paper trail. With the exception of the likes of Linda Tripp, most people don’t generally tape their phone calls, but anything you write in an instant message can easily be printed out or saved to a file for later use. So if you have anything to say that could come back to haunt you, don’t say it in an instant message or an e-mail. Save it for a phone call or a face-to-face meeting.

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Generally, instant messaging is an informal medium, and people don’t expect perfection. If you’re communicating with someone you’re trying to impress, it might be worthwhile to take a few extra seconds to read what you’ve typed before you hit the send key.

And just because someone you know is online doesn’t mean it’s appropriate to send an instant message. If your relationship with the person or the topic of discussion is such that you’d be comfortable picking up the phone, then an IM is appropriate. Also, be aware of the time of day. Sometimes, when it’s late at night on the East Coast, I’ll notice that a business associate is online but won’t send a message unless it truly is urgent.

As with most issues pertaining to manners, common sense will take you a long way. In general, it’s OK to send someone an instant message, but don’t be a pest. If you don’t get a response right away, wait a few minutes and send another note. But if you still don’t get an answer, take a hint and drop an e-mail instead.

If someone sends you an instant message, it’s neighborly to respond if you can, but if it’s not a good time to chat, simply let him or her know. If someone is pestering you and won’t take a hint, then use the program’s blocking features to prevent that person from sending you messages or knowing that you’re online.

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Technology reports by Lawrence J. Magid can be heard at 1:48 p.m. weekdays on KNX-AM (1070). He can be reached at larry.magid@latimes.com. His Web site is at https://www.larrysworld.com. On AOL, use keyword “LarryMagid.”