MORNING BRIEFING : Expo Fans Cast Ballots as Absentees

Thomas Boswell writing in the Washington Post: “That’s quite a love feast Montreal has been having with its Expos this week, eh? On Monday the Expos drew 7,698. On Tuesday the tally was 5,517. Yesterday [Wednesday] the turnstiles were flying so fast it’s lucky nobody was impaled.

“A total of 5,548 bottled-water sipping, environment-loving, baseball-loathing Quebecois came to the stadium to prove to the world that their beloved club should not move to the Washington area.

“What is this, some kind of sick joke? When will baseball finally get the message? Montreal hates baseball, hates the Expos, couldn’t care less if the team leaves and doesn’t deserve to have a major league team. Half the time, Montreal even hates being in Canada.

“Putting a team in Montreal was a M-I-S-T-A-K-E. It will always be a sump hole for baseball.”

*

Trivia time: Which school holds the Pacific 10 record for yards gained in a game?

*

Jealousy? Art Thiel in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

“As just the fourth football coach in 42 years [at Washington] and the first who doesn’t towel off with sandpaper, [Rick] Neuheisel is too young, too glib, too hip, too good-looking and too rich for a lot of college football traditionalists.

“And that isn’t asking anybody from Boulder or Denver, where they really don’t like him.”

*

Colin Who? John Hawkins, writing in Golf World magazine, on Britain’s Colin Montgomerie:

“He is now winless in 57 career PGA Tour starts in America, which is the equivalent of three full seasons in Uncle Sam’s backyard.

“A big fish [22 victories] on the other side of the pond, Monty is grilled flounder over here.”

*

Tuna talk: Michael Holley of the Boston Globe, writing on New York Jet Coach Bill Parcells:

“He knows what reporters are looking for. He knows the difference between a columnist, feature writer and beat reporter. And since he has wit, occasional bombast, and an understanding of this profession, he earns a reverence from the media.

“He is Machiavelli with a clipboard, simultaneously respected and feared. There is constant tension with him. No one wants to be the poor bloke who becomes part of an infamous, Parcells Tirade highlight.”

*

From where? Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Former World Series hero Joe Carter, broadcasting a Blue Jays game for CTV, identified a player as a ‘Dominican Republican.’ Now there’s a demographic group that doesn’t get a lot of attention.”

*

Sure you are: Tampa Bay Lightning right winger Shawn Burr: “I’m in great shape. My body fat is always 12%-15%. That’s just the way it hangs on me. You see me in the shower, you think mailman or kayak rental [guy], but I’m in good shape.”

*

Up, up and away: If Arnie’s Army ever gets an Air Force, it has a place to land.

Celebrating Arnold Palmer’s 70th birthday Friday, Westmoreland County in Pennsylvania renamed its airport after Latrobe’s most famous son. From now on, it’s Arnold Palmer Regional Airport.

“Thank you for the confidence you gave me over the years, the push when I needed it,” Palmer told the 100 or so people gathered for the event. “I’m just pleased and very proud.”

*

Trivia answer: USC, with 978 yards against Pomona in 1925.

*

Note: Stanford gained 693 yards against Arizona State in 1981 and lost, 62-36.

*

And finally: Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post, on the Broncos’ Bill Romanowski: “What’s wrong with this picture? The linebacker is doing diet pills and the sportswriters are lining up 30 deep to get to the fried chicken in the press box.”