The Girlfriends Guide to Family : Granny’s Reasons for Avoiding Long-Distance Visit May Run Deep
Dear Vicki: My mother-in-law has just declined another invitation to fly her out to visit us and her granddaughter. She gives the flimsiest excuses for declining, yet she’s very good at putting the pressure on my husband to visit her--pressure that’s then put on me.
--MI CASA NO ES SU CASA
Dear Casita: Considering how hard it is leave the house with a baby or toddler in tow, even if only for an afternoon, the planning and reconnaissance required for a holiday at Grandma’s can be greater than that required for the invasion of Normandy.
I still have nightmares about lost baggage. Not to mention trying to get a toddler to sleep in a port-a-crib--or trying to assemble that crib under the influence of jet lag. I pray for the day my passport expires!
It’s been my observation, however, that as we age, many of us cling tightly to routine and familiarity. My dearest darling Dad used to rise at 5 a.m., drive two hours to visit my kids and me, and leave before lunch to return to the comfort of his own turf. What in the world could be more enticing than the magic of his cherished grandkids and their love for him? Turns out he loved the lunch my stepmother made, he loved a nap in his own bed after that lunch. As I mature myself (and get more annoyingly set in my ways), I have learned: Grandparents (and all senior folks, for that matter) deserve a certain amount of indulgence for their idiosyncrasies.
If your mother-in-law were better able to express herself, she might tell you that she feels like a fish out of water at your place. She might say that she feels she’s imposing on the intimacy of your adorable little family. She might say that she can’t show you off to Great Aunt Erma if she’s at your house.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that your mate’s mom probably isn’t making any veiled references to the dust bunnies under your bed or the funky pressure in your guest shower by her reluctance to visit.
Remind her that you’re yearning to share your family’s everyday life with her on your turf. Mention that you’d love to learn to cook her famous meatballs or that you could use some help with the baby--some grandfolks relax if they feel needed.
If she still can’t rise to that occasion, consider developing an irrational fear of flying; it’s less confrontational.
Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and new parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.