New Movie Snack: Alphabet Soup

Sneak Preview Bureau: In yet another entertainment exclusive, Off-Kilter has learned that the Motion Picture Assn. of America is dumping its G, PG, R and NC-17 ratings to inaugurate a system that better explains the content of each movie.

For example, PG-13 is being replaced by PG-3.14159: No one admitted who can’t compute pi to the fifth decimal point. The rating covers movies involving complex mathematical concepts, such as “Good Will Hunting,” “A Brief History of Time” or “The Waterboy.”

Another variation of the PG rating is PGA, for films containing lewd or violent scenes involving Lee Trevino, Arnold Palmer or a 9-iron. No one admitted without a caddy.

NC-17 will become NC-90210, for graphic nudity in which the exposed body parts have been altered by Beverly Hills plastic surgeons.

The other new ratings are:

* MSG: Movie seems entertaining and fulfilling, but two hours after it’s over, you want to see another one.

* WD-40: Theater floor coated with spilled drinks and gooey candy. Solvent might be needed to pry shoes off ground at end of film.

* B4: As in, you’ve seen it before. Examples include “10 Things I Hate About You” (seen previously as “The Taming of the Shrew”) and any Adam Sandler movie.

* YMCA: Graphic depictions of events from the 1970s. No one under 17 admitted unless accompanied by one of the Village People.

* 3-D: Film budget devoted to special effects, not to story or plot.

* AARP: Target audience is anyone older than teenage boys. Rarely used.

* QVC: Film contains numerous “product placement” advertisements for Nike, Pepsi and other companies.

* DDS: Features excruciating dental scenes (“Marathon Man” and “Little Shop of Horrors”). Patrons advised to wear lead aprons and spit into cups periodically. Popcorn comes with free floss.

* WFV: Wait for video.

Why Scientists Shouldn’t Read Children’s Books: A member of the British Geological Survey has presented a scientific paper theorizing that the hole into which Alice fell while chasing the White Rabbit in “Alice in Wonderland” was probably caused by the collapse of soluble gypsum rock sandwiched between water-permeable limestone. Similar conditions in a town near the childhood home of “Alice” author Lewis Carroll sometimes created huge holes in the ground.

Purple Cow Bureau: Just when we thought we’d never see the words “Al Gore” and “booty call” in the same sentence, along comes U.S. News & World Report with a story headlined “Al Gore’s Booty Call,” discussing endorsements of his presidential candidacy by various supermodels and starlets, including Vivica Fox of the film “Booty Call.”

Sounds of Silence: Movie theaters are finally cracking down on people who chatter during films. At AMC’s Santa Monica Seven, for instance, the recorded telephone message warns that “excessive talking or disruptive noise may result in the removal of the theater.”

Sure, it’s expensive to bring in cranes and wrecking balls to take away an entire theater, but isn’t it time to send a message to rude audience members?

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Dead Man’s Pager Starts Beeping During His Funeral!” (Weekly World News)

Apparently he ignored warnings that “disruptive noise could result in the removal of the mortuary.”

Unpaid Informants: London Times. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com.