Too Young to Be Told the Difference Between Good and Bad Touching
Dear Vicki: My daughter is just about 3 years old. Recently, I’ve noticed her touching herself. Because I think it’s perfectly normal for young kids to explore their bodies, I didn’t make an issue out of it. I told her it was OK to touch herself, but that she should only do it at home.
When I told a friend about this, she said that the time has come for me to talk to my daughter about “good touching” and “bad touching.” Her daughter was about the same age as mine when she was fondled by a preschool teacher. Although my child is very smart, she still seems a bit young to be discussing this. On the other hand, can you be too careful?
--BABY BIRDS AND BABY BEES
Dear Baby’s Mom: First of all, congratulations on maintaining your composure upon discovering your daughter “discovering” herself.
The spectrum of normal mommy responses runs the gamut from shrieking “Get your hand out of there!” to my personal favorite: pretending like you don’t notice anything odd and frantically running to the nearest phone to call a mommy / girlfriend for advice.
It wasn’t too long ago that a daughter of mine (no names, please) told me that she liked to rerun the kissing scene from “Aladdin” over and over again because it made her feel “all tingly.” And this was Disney, for heaven’s sake!
I didn’t know whether to congratulate her or to speed dial Dr. Freud. I do recall smiling meekly and making some lame comment about how funny it is when movies and stories make our bodies feel different. But I digress. Getting back to the more serious aspect--the conversation about “bad” touching.
Of course you should educate your child, but I worry that too many of us are a tad hysterical in our messages to our kids, no matter how well-intentioned. I feel pretty safe in saying that no child is molested because they understand the pleasurable parts of sexuality, but rather because the child is manipulated by someone older and more powerful.
The more important issue here is to provide as safe an environment as possible so that our preschoolers are free to touch and talk and try life without being told that danger lies around every corner. That’s what innocence is about, and I think young children need us to go out of our way to protect that innocence, no matter how scary the headlines may look.
Hey, I’m right there with you and your girlfriend in wanting to protect our kids. I think the bottom line here has two parts: First, I agree with your friend that your daughter is old enough to begin hearing a subtle message about what’s OK to do in private and what isn’t, but, second, as sorry as I am about the problem your friend’s child had, I don’t think she could have prevented it by working harder to educate her child about “bad touching.”
The solution to the bad touching problem, if there really is a solution, is for all of us parents to band together to provide enough supervision to make inappropriate touching hard to commit.
I firmly believe in surprise visits by parents to preschool and day care and the regular comparing of notes to see if anyone’s kid is acting out in any way, has an issue with a teacher, or seems ill at ease about their activities away from Mom and Dad.
*
Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and new parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.