Who’s in Charge?

Even a pair of worn-out sneakers can touch off anxiety for couples like Maria and Ben Rountree, who are struggling to redefine roles in a new version of the American family--one in which women out-earn their husbands or men decide to stay at home.

Say Ben Rountree, 38, needs a new pair of sneakers. He won’t ask his wife for the money until his shoes start falling apart. A stay-at-home dad, he thinks: When was the last time I asked her for something? Maybe if I don’t bug her for a month, I can get it eventually. But Maria Rountree, 37, the family’s breadwinner and budget tracker, thinks: We live on a tight budget. He can’t ask for things at the last minute.

“She feels a little bad about wielding her power; I feel a little bad about maybe being a little timid about asking for something,” said Ben Rountree of Mission Hills, who is PTA president at his daughter’s elementary school. “I do kind of feel like Lucy asking for a new dress.”

Experts say the break from the traditional family structure is unprecedented, leaving couples to sort for themselves touchy questions on identity, gender roles and balance of power in a relationship.

On top of the angst, couples in the evolving roles are sometimes viewed with derision in a society that usually does not expect women to overshadow their husbands in the workplace. Consider, for instance, the new chief executive of Hewlett-Packard Co., Carleton Fiorina, 44, and her spouse, Frank Fiorina, 49, whom Time and Newsweek have called a “house husband.”

Yet, about one in five married women has an annual salary that tops her husband’s, according to a recent University of Missouri-St. Louis study.

That figure is particularly striking, said the study’s author, Anne E. Winkler, when you consider that women--even those who are as qualified as men--still tend to earn less than their male counterparts (nationwide, women earn about 74 cents for every dollar earned by men doing the same work, according to a 1999 AFL-CIO study).

As a result, the emerging relationship can be jarring for each partner.

“For a lot of men, self-esteem is performance-based. That is, what we make financially or what we do or what we score on the field--all those things make up how you feel as a man,” said Jeff Jones, a clinical psychologist in Del Mar. “A lot of men are threatened by their wife making more, or feel inadequate.

“If we think about the way women are socialized, women are oriented to be in tune with their family members, their partners and how they’re feeling. I think they’re working in general to keep everyone happy. They’re really caught in a bind, doing something that might be personally rewarding but might be a threat to their partner.”

Expectations Vary Among Cultures

Cultural expectations can also give women pause, said international business consultant Linda Eastman, who heads the Professional Woman Network in Kentucky. One of her clients, a Pakistani woman, wanted to get a doctorate degree but would not go beyond a master’s degree because her husband never had.

“That’s going back to a lot of upbringing in the Middle East, where the women really are not to outshine males,” Eastman said.

According to a national survey by Prudential Securities Inc., 53% of women think there would be a problem in a marriage if a wife earned more than her husband. Only 34% of men said the earnings gap would be a problem, according to the study, which was released in April. (Dual-earner couples make up 60% of all marriages, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics reports.)

An example of a potential problem would be a woman trying to use her bigger paycheck as leverage in family investment decisions, said financial advisor Sarah Caudill.

“The female will end up saying, ‘I make $75,000 and you make $40,000, and here are the issues,’ ” said Caudill of American Express Financial Advisors in Ann Arbor, Mich. “I’ve heard husbands say, ‘What you make and what I make is irrelevant. This is our income--not yours, not mine.’ ”

In Mission Hills, the Rountrees sometimes squirm over money matters.

“That’s been a tough thing,” said Maria Rountree, a senior legislative affairs officer for the Southern California Assn. of Governments in Los Angeles. “I do make the money, and I also budget stuff. I try to be sympathetic, and we’ve talked about that. [Ben] doesn’t ask for things, so I’d say, ‘If you need something, you have to tell me about it.’ That’s just been an evolving thing.”

On the other hand, Maria usually defers to Ben on decisions regarding their daughter, Arianna, 5. Ben knows Arianna better and is able to pick up on subtle clues in her behavior that she might miss, Maria said. For instance, a year ago, Arianna walked into a room, said something and left. Maria doesn’t remember what her daughter said but recalls Ben’s remark: “She’s lying.”

“It’s amazing,” Maria said. “Parents know that stuff when they’re around a kid 24 hours a day.”

Feeling Their Way Along a New Path

Day by day, the couple forges new ground in their relationship, with traditional gender expectations giving way to what feels right, Ben and Maria said. Their roles started to evolve after Arianna’s birth. Previously, Ben had worked as a hip-hop music producer; he was the nurturing one who loved to be with kids. Maria was more career-driven, willing to travel and work late to get ahead. She feels lucky that they don’t have to put Arianna in day care.

“I think we all agree that superwoman is dead,” Maria said. “I don’t think you can have it all--a fulfilling career, where you’re working 60 or 70 hours a week, and a wonderful marriage with both of you doing that kind of work and have your kids be OK.”

Still, Maria can’t quite shake off the notion that moms stay at home. She recently kicked herself for missing her daughter’s prekindergarten graduation because of business meetings.

“I feel like I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing as a woman,” Maria said. “You’re supposed to stay at home and like it. But [Ben] is so much better at it than I am.”

Ben feels the weight of expectations, too.

“We still have brothers-in-law to deal with who say, ‘When are you going to get a job?’ and media [commentary], ‘Mr. Mom, you can’t vacuum the floor without making a mess,’ ” said Ben, who heads Dad-to-Dad Los Angeles, a group that offers support and social events for stay-at-home dads (https://slowlane.com/d2dsocal/index.htm). Sometimes, when he’s driving in Hollywood, Ben passes by the studios where he once worked and becomes wistful. But the moment passes, he says, as soon as he looks at his daughter.

“I can’t think of anything more right that I could be doing,” he said.

Irvine dad Al Dostal, who runs an auto detailing business, doesn’t mind the times when his wife out-earns him. His wife, Brenda Dostal, a hair stylist, gets more business during the holiday season than he does, for instance.

“I wouldn’t find it threatening if, let’s say, my wife wanted to open a salon and make hundreds of thousands of dollars. I’d say, ‘Go with it. Go with your bad self,’ ” said Dostal, 40.

His detailing work is scheduled around the couple’s two boys--Nick, 7, and Christopher, 5. On most days, he’s home when they get out of school, makes dinners like grilled ahi with fresh green beans, gives them baths and reads them stories.

‘They’re Going to Know That Dad Is Their Friend’

Dostal, who grew up in Irvine, missed seeing his own dad, a salesman, who never seemed to be home.

“It’s the best part of life, to be able to spend time with my kids,” Dostal said. “When they’re older, they’re going to know that Dad is their friend, and not just the guy who says, ‘Don’t do this, don’t do that.’ Someone who’s teaching them to ride a bike and was there when they skinned their knees or knocked their teeth out.”

But most stay-at-home dads plan to get back into the workplace someday. The transition wasn’t easy for Hogan Hilling, 44, of Irvine. In the early ‘90s, Hilling gave up his wallpaper installation business to become a stay-at-home dad while his wife worked full time as a speech therapist.

These days, Hilling works part time for Boot Camp for New Dads, an Irvine-based program that teaches fathers the basics of child care. He still arranges his schedule so he can be home when the couple’s three sons aren’t in school.

“I just wanted to contribute in what was a more monetary way,” he said. “We’ve been living paycheck to paycheck.”

And the kids know whose paycheck.

Once, Hogan patted his pocket and joked to his oldest son, Grant, that he was checking to make sure he had his money.

“It’s not your money,” his son said. “It’s Mom’s money. She works.” Hogan didn’t take offense.

Hogan never raises issues of ego about not being the main breadwinner, said his wife, Tina Hilling, 48. But he does fret over household finances.

“I think he worries sometimes, especially when we’re having trouble making ends meet, that he hasn’t contributed. But he has,” she said.

Usually, Hogan said, the kids don’t question the family structure, even though they see mostly moms at school and other daytime activities.

“To my kids, it didn’t matter who was staying at home,” Hilling said. “To them, gender isn’t an issue. To everyone else it was. They don’t introduce me as a stay-at-home dad. To kids, you’re just a dad.”

Renee Tawa can be reached at renee.tawa@latimes.com.