Census 2000

A note from a big mucky-muck at the Census Bureau to the American people . . .

Many citizens have complained that the 2000 census is too intrusive. As usual, your government has heard you, and a solution is already in place. All you complainers will receive a new, improved census form next month.

Thank you.

Signed,

Mr. Mucky-Muck

*

1) Your name:

2) Your Social Security number:

3) Your credit card number and expiration date (the one with the highest credit limit):

4) Do you drive to work?

5) Do you “pack heat” during your commute?

6) I live in:

a) a house b) an apartment c) a hellhole

7) Would you spy on your neighbor for $100 American?

8) Would you spy on your neighbors if you were convinced they were spying on you?

9) What’s the most embarrassing, incriminating thing you’ve ever done? (This has to be something so horrible that if this information fell into the “wrong hands” they could blackmail you into doing anything up to but not exclusive of political assassination).

10) Do you have a computer?

11) What is your password?

12) What is your ATM PIN number?

13) Wasn’t Katie Couric’s colonoscopy on the “Today” show totally awesome?

14) Do you have a goatee?

15) Don’t you think it’s time to shave it off?

16) How many times have you seen “Titanic”?

17) Isn’t Leonardo God’s gift to humanity?

18) What years did you cheat on your taxes?

19) Can you “score” me some good drugs?

20) Do you have a nickname for any of your body parts?

21) Have you ever seen an alien?

22) If so, did the alien “do” anything to you?

23) Have you ever seen Elvis?

24) If so, did Elvis “do” anything to you?

25) Do you like to cuddle?

Thank you for participating in this vital function of democracy. Should three white guys in black suits and dark sunglasses show up on your doorstep, please cooperate.