After Baby Came, Pals Skedaddled

Dear Vicki: I had my first baby a month ago, and she’s a delight. I’m coping with the lack of sleep and energy, but I’m really distressed by the behavior of my two best girlfriends.

The first one, a mother of four, has been a friend for almost 20 years. Even though she had been adamant about being there for the birth of my child, when I called her to tell her to meet me at the hospital, she was suddenly unavailable. A week later she called to tell me she was having some kind of nervous breakdown, seeing a shrink, and she never even asked how the baby was.

The other girlfriend (no kids yet) called me four days before my due date to say we “really ought to get together.” When I told her I’d already had the baby, she was upset that I hadn’t called her. It took her at least a week to get back to me, to tell me how busy she was and that we really should get together soon (like, “Let’s do lunch,” kiss-kiss, bye).

After the delivery, the hospitalization, the new baby and so forth, I figured it was her job to call me. My two best friends seem completely unable to deal with my new motherhood.

I’m not asking for a parade. An occasional phone call or visit would be charming. Thank God I have other friends, and a sister, who have been good enough to keep me company and pick up the odd item from the grocery store. I’m also blessed with a wonderful husband, who works about 50 hours a week.

Any advice, other than fire them both and find new friends? Does this happen to other people, or do I just have bad taste in friends?

--LITTLE ORPHANED MOMMY

Dear Mommy: Frankly, I’m not too surprised to hear that one of your closest friends has let you down in this fragile postpartum time, but for your two closest friends to stumble is really bad luck.

I always try to warn people that marriage and birthing babies, the two most common major events in our society (aside from getting your own cell phone and Social Security number), are far more earth-shattering in their emotional impact than we usually predict.

Weddings, for example, can either strengthen the foundation of the witnesses’ own commitments or split people up during the car ride from the church to the reception. Babies, too, as physical evidence of a couple’s infinite commitment (at least in theory), bring up all sorts of emotional issues for your nearest and dearest.

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My inclination is to share your hurt over your friends’ apparent lack of support and consideration. Still, as your Girlfriend, I have to ask whether there was anything else that happened during the weeks leading up to your delivery that might explain both friends’ withdrawal.

I can only speak for myself here, but even my most cherished friends have told me in the years since the birth of my last child that I was totally irrational and endlessly demanding as labor day drew near. Know that I am on your side, Girlfriend, but it’s my professional duty to ask whether you, too, succumbed to the progesterone monsters.

Hey, it’s completely understandable to me if you did, but I just have to ask to create some sort of context for your dilemma. Without even knowing your age, I feel safe in taking the role of senior stateswoman with you.

Here’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned about life, both as a mother and as a civilian: We are usually just secondary players in the dramas of other people’s lives. I can practically guarantee that you will eventually learn that both of your girlfriends were simultaneously experiencing your baby’s birth (from whatever distant vantage points) and some personal crisis that you still don’t know about.

I don’t want to cast the evil eye, so knock on wood as you read this, but your mother-of-four girlfriend might have just learned that her husband was in love with his fitness trainer. And your kid-free friend might be so envious of your family status that she’s just unable to break loose and join in. I don’t know from your letter, but she might still be searching for the father of her future children, which could make changing diapers with you a painful reminder of how far she feels from the maternity finish line.

The emotional needs, not to mention the demanding schedules, of new mothers are so vast and intense that it usually takes another mom of like experience to fully understand her absent-mindedness, her obsessions and her inability to have a phone conversation without interrupting it several times to respond to the baby. Only another new mother can tolerate this other universe of demands on a friend’s time.

Give them both time. You have already won the prize, and you can afford to be magnanimous. I bet both of your girlfriends miss having you in their lives and will soon come running back. In the interim, surround yourself with other new moms; you know, the gals who measure a day in diapers changed and who send out printed announcements when they think they’ve witnessed their baby’s first smile (gas grins always count, by the way).

If you can bridge the gap, bless all three of you. If that’s not going to happen, just accept that major life paths often dictate who our friends will be. I know your friends’ neglect is hurtful, but I’m willing to bet it hurts them even more than it hurts you. And when it hurts too much, just gaze into your baby’s face and rejoice--you have received the greatest gift of all.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.