Talk, Then Decide if You’re Up to Job of Godparenting

Dear Vicki: I work with a woman, Dana, who is about my age and who has become a really good friend over the 10 years. She found out she’s pregnant by this guy she’s dated for only a few months, and now she’s decided to marry him!

She never told me they were serious until she got pregnant, and I think the pregnancy was an accident. I’ve tried to be supportive and not tell her that I think she’s acting out of desperation (as in her clock keeps tick-tick-ticking), but now I am really confused because a couple of days ago she asked me to be her baby’s godmother.

I was raised in a family where being a child’s godparent was taken very seriously. I don’t think my girlfriend is in her right mind, and, though I barely know him, I think the father of her child is a total loser. What should I do?

--NO FAIRY GODMOTHER

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Dear No: The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s kind of odd, don’t you think, that Dana didn’t ask you to be her maid of honor or bridesmaid rather than her baby’s godmother?

I don’t want to sound like Emily Post here, and maybe Dana is planning on having a very small wedding or she’s waiting to marry when she’ll look more slender in her wedding gown. But it struck me that maybe she’s putting the cart before the horse.

Your girlfriend is perhaps more focused on her impending motherhood than on marrying the loser. As much as I wish Dana all the luck in the world, maybe she is sending you a subliminal message about her uncertainty about marriage and commitment to motherhood. Either way, you must decide whether you are willing to take a position of spiritual responsibility for Dana’s baby, even if she marries Godzilla.

She may or may not have a future with the father of her baby. But she will definitely have a relationship for life if she intends to keep her baby, and it sounds like she does. If you look at it like that, your feelings for the father may be less important than your willingness to commit to pitching in and supporting Dana and her baby. You two definitely need to talk.

I think you’ve done the right thing so far, letting your girlfriend deal with this crisis without offering judgments before she is ready. But now that she’s asked you to be an important person in her child’s life, I think it’s safe to consider this an invitation to get involved.

This is not, however, your opportunity to weigh in with your evaluation of her boyfriend. It’s time for you to reassure her that you stand by her whatever she does, and you’re there to be her confidant. You say you think she’s desperate. Unfortunately, that’s not uncommon in our society, where women often feel like that cartoon showing a career gal crying, with the caption, “Oh, God, I forgot to have a family!”

You didn’t mention your age, but I can do the math to guess that you’re both in your 30s. If you’re willing to be completely honest and vulnerable with yourself and your friend, I’ll bet you’re able to empathize with her fears and insecurities. Why don’t you start a heart-to-heart with her by sharing those feelings?

If Dana tells you that she’s determined to make a go of this marriage, you must accept that fact. When two people commit to marriage, there’s no longer any room for even the best-intentioned friends to do anything but support them. They deserve a chance to make it work, no matter how much the guy turns your stomach. After all, you don’t have to marry him!

If she is ambivalent about the marriage but committed to the baby, that decision, too, deserves total support. Single parenting can be fulfilling and as sweet as heaven, but it is also one of the hardest gigs in town and requires all hands on deck.

After you’ve had a chance to really talk with Dana, the question is this: Do you feel that you can best support her and her baby, and not spend the rest of your life biting your tongue and resenting her choices? Or do you feel that the commitment to being so closely involved in this new little family is more than your personal beliefs can enthusiastically fulfill?

If the latter feels more true, find a sensitive way to tell Dana that, while you will be there for her as a dear friend to her and her baby, you don’t think you’re quite up to the responsibility of becoming her baby’s “spiritual guardian.”

Let her know that you treasure her friendship and hope to always be a part of her life, especially her life as a mom, but that she and her baby deserve all the “aunties” and “uncles” who love the mother. And perhaps there is someone in that crowd better suited for that honorary title.

One last reminder: First impressions can be deceptive. Dana’s giant reptile might turn out to be a chameleon and rise to this occasion. Keep an open mind and heart; it sounds like Dana will need both in the near future. And, of course, I can’t close without reminding you and all sexually active people to use condoms until all doubts and uncertainties have been resolved.

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail vicki@girlfriendsguide.com.