LAUGH LINES

Hit Record: “According to the National Enquirer, a woman in Indiana is claiming she had an affair with Regis Philbin. The woman said she used to have a video of their affair, but she taped over it when she had sex with Frank Gifford.” (Conan O’Brien)

It’s a Boy!: “There was an embarrassing moment when Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones had a baby boy. The nurse handed the baby to Douglas and said, ‘Congratulations, it’s a grandson.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Top Ways to Make

“Big Brother” More Exciting

10. For every exotic dancer voted out, two must move in.

9. Seal off all exits, fill house with a foot of water every hour.

6. Have them share public’s suffering by forcing them to watch “Big Brother.”

5. Every two weeks, somebody has to marry Darva Conger.

4. Instead of a house, make it an island, call the show “Survivor.”

3. Remove all food from house--make them vote on whom to eat next.

2. Ten strangers, three months, one house, six West Nile mosquitoes.

1. Get something to happen. Anything.

Send jokes to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, SoCal Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.