Hey, Martha Raye, Where Are You?

“Tom DeLay’s office calling Wayne Newton.”

“This is Wayne.”

“Just a moment, please.”

Wayne holds. “Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen.”

“Wayne? Tom DeLay. Please, keep singing.”

“Oh, that’s OK. Hey, Tom, how’s it hanging?”

“Pretty good. Listen, Wayne, I hate to do this to you, old buddy, but I think we can use your help.”

“Again?”

“OK, let me tell you what’s going on. You know how these Democrats are trying to steal the election? So, between you and me, we’re sending hundreds of our people down to the Miami-Dade canvassing board to raise a little Cain. We’re flying them down there, feeding them, putting them up in a fancy hotel. And inasmuch as they’re giving up their weekend, I think it would be a nice gesture to provide them with some top-flight entertainment.”

“Tom, listen, I can appreciate that, but why is it always me?”

“Because you’re the best, Wayne.”

“Isn’t there anyone else you can get?”

“Well, no, not really.”

“What about--”

“Yeah, what about, what about who?”

“I don’t know. There must be somebody. I can’t be the only one.”

“Well, you are, Wayne. I mean, we got Bo Derek, but I don’t think she can sing.”

“Did you ask her?”

“I’m pretty sure she can’t.”

“Sometimes if you just ask--”

“Wayne, I know Bo can’t sing. She’s an actress.”

“What about that guy?”

“What guy?”

“The guy, the karate guy.”

“Oh, Chuck Norris?”

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“Forget it. Wayne, this is the last time for a while. I promise.”

“There are no other singers?”

“No.”

“What about--”

“No.”

“And no comedians?”

“Not one. It’s just you and Bo, Chuck Norris . . . “

“I know, and Arnold, and Tom Selleck.”

“That’s it.”

“Well, why can’t Bo and Tom go?”

“And do what?”

“I don’t know. Take questions from the audience or something. Or maybe do a scene from, uh, ‘The Glass Menagerie.’ ”

“That’s all very well and good, Wayne, but it’s not the same.”

“Tom, I have to tell you, I’m getting a little tired of this. I feel I’m being taken advantage of. You’ve got to start getting some more talent in this party. What is the problem?”

“I’ll tell you what the problem is--sumbitches just don’t like us and won’t give us jobs. Shoot, I know a hell of a lot of Republicans who are funnier than any of those clowns you see on TV. Just come and have lunch at my club one day. It’s a crack-up.”

“Tom, I’m getting concerned that if I keep doing this, Democrats aren’t going to come to my shows anymore.”

“I don’t even know why you would ever want to entertain a Democrat. They don’t appreciate you. And, listen Wayne, I guarantee you that if there’s ever a problem with not enough people coming to your shows, we’ll take care of it.”

“How are you going to do that?

“We have our ways.”

“OK, Tom, I’ll do it, but this is the last time.”

“Scouts honor.”