LAUGH LINES

Opening Arguments: “Although he was arrested for drugs recently, Robert Downey Jr. returned to the set of ‘Ally McBeal.’ They said he seemed a little depressed. . . . Well, duh, the first scene is in a courtroom.” (Jay Leno)

Home Sweet Home: “According to the New York Post, rumors are swirling that Bill and Hillary Clinton are already thinking about putting their Chappaqua, N.Y., home on the market. . . . You know the Clintons and real estate--they don’t always make the smartest choices.” (Daily Scoop)

Don’t Count on It: “I heard Al Gore had trouble sleeping last night. So he started to count sheep. And then he had to recount sheep.” (Andrew Wisot)

May the Better Man . . . : “CBS is now planning ‘Survivor III.’ In it, they’ll put Al Gore and George W. Bush on one of the islands in the Florida Keys and see who survives.” (Paul Steinberg)

Here’s the Skinny: “Actor Robert Downey Jr. will remain on ‘Ally McBeal’ despite his recent arrest. There’s a lot of pressure to stay thin on that TV show. [For example,] Calista Flockhart is slimmer than George W. Bush’s lead over Al Gore in Florida.” (Argus Hamilton)

Cable Service: “George W. Bush said . . . he did not listen to the [court] proceedings [on the election] because he doesn’t have cable. I’m not making this up, it’s what he said. On his ranch, he doesn’t have cable. See, that’s why [Dick] Cheney is doing all the transition work down in Washington--Bush is back at the ranch waiting for the cable guy.” (Leno)

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