Bushwhacked

For the good of the American people, it is time for Texas Gov. George W. Bush to concede the election.

Governor, you might just as well acknowledge that Vice President Al Gore will never give up, no matter how many times you defeat him. He will hound you, dog you, sue you, sic his lawyers on you, cut you off in traffic, do whatever it takes to make sure that you never wipe your boots on a White House welcome mat.

Quit while you’re ahead.

Because, obviously, Al Gore will never yield. He called you to concede, but called you back. He asked for a recount, then for a recount of the recount. He fought the law, and the law won. Yet still he wouldn’t go away. If cats have nine lives, Gore’s got 10. It’s easier getting rid of Count Dracula than this guy.

He just might be unbeatable.

You thought you had him. You thought you tanned his hide, legally, ethically, morally, electorally. You even beat him in Tennessee. If a guy can’t carry his own state, how can he carry a country?

Florida was his, yours, too close to call, yours, too close to call, too close to call, yours, too close to call, yours and, eventually, yours. You became the first presidential candidate in history to win a state five times.

But he’s the tortoise, you’re the hare.

He just keeps plodding along, plodding along. You stand there by the side of the road in Texas, chuckling. You make plans for the future. You make appointments. You’ve done everything but have “GWB” embroidered on the Lincoln bedroom’s bathroom towels.

Every time you look over your shoulder, though, there he is. The Tennessee tortoise, plodding along.

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Day 33, America’s election standoff:

Here is a partial chronology of the events of the last month, after the Nov. 7 contest between George W. “Wake Me When I’m President” Bush and his opponent, Al “I Never Promised You a Rose Garden” Gore.

Nov. 8

Gore places a phone call to President-elect Bush, having made the colossal mistake of believing what he sees and hears on TV. A gracious loser, Gore congratulates Bush and vows to do everything in his power to keep our states united.

For an hour, anyway.

That’s when he hits the “redial” button and tells the President-elect that he isn’t the President-elect after all, so if it’s not too much trouble, could I please have my concession back?

George then says something snippy to Al, at which point Al says something snippy to George about sounding snippy, whereupon George says something to Al along the lines of: “If at first you don’t concede, try, try again.”

And on we go to:

Nov. 9-16

Florida becomes the focus of the nation, for one of those rare times when it isn’t because a hurricane is blowing a roof off a Krispy Kreme.

Palm Beach’s voters complain that they somehow accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan. Some of them are so old, they once accidentally voted for James Buchanan.

The count is so close, it could come down to absentee ballots. But the absentee ballots are absent. Florida’s secretary of state says she can’t count ballots that are absent. If only the absentee voters were present, they could hand over their votes to be counted. But they can’t. They’re absent.

Among these votes are ones coming in from sailors overseas. Unfortunately, these votes apparently are being delivered to Florida by a tuna-fishing trawler or by a Russian submarine. Or else somebody mistook a porthole for a mailbox and dropped them into the sea.

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Nov. 17-30

Gore wants a hand count. Bush likes the machine count. Gore’s people want some of the votes counted all of the time. Bush’s people prefer that all of the votes be counted some of the time.

Florida’s secretary of state feels she has to count all of the votes within 10 days, even if some of the votes won’t arrive for 11 days.

Gore deplores a “rush to judgment.” Bush feels every vote should be counted, just as long as it’s a vote that’s already been counted.

Dec. 1-8

Gore’s case goes to state circuit court, then to the state Supreme Court. Bush, meanwhile, goes to federal district court, then to the U.S. Supreme Court--which sends the whole shebang back to the state Supreme Court.

The Florida Supreme Court says 9,000 disputed votes must be recounted. Bush says he will have this sent back to the U.S. Supreme Court, which of course might send it right back to the state Supreme Court.

Gov. Bush, don’t you get it yet? You are a beaten man.

It’s only a matter of time. Al Gore is relentless. If you raise your right hand to take the oath on Inauguration Day, a lawyer will probably stick a restraining order in it.

Give up, George. Call the vice president today and concede.

A big man knows when he’s beaten. So go on, show Al Gore who the bigger man is. That’ll teach him.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com