How the Guv Stole Christmas

(With apologies to Dr. Seuss)

All the good Californians

Liked Christmas a lot . . .

But the Guv, who lived in Sacramento, did NOT!

The Guv hated Christmas, or at least the bright lights.

They annoyed him immensely, those squeals of delight

As the kids’ faces brightened with holiday glee

When they’d come home from school and look up at their tree.

So he brooded and loathed the mere thought of the sight.

He stood there on Christmas Eve hating the light.

Then he growled through lips he was nervously biting

“I must find some way to keep Christmas from lighting.”

For tomorrow he knew, all the dear little tykes

Would race home to wait for the holiday sights.

And then! Oh the lights! Oh the lights! Lights! Lights! Lights! Lights!

That’s one thing he hated! The LIGHTS, LIGHTS, LIGHTS, LIGHTS!

And the more the Guv thought of this ungreen Bacchanalia,

The more the Guv thought, “I must find some way to nail ya.

“Why, for 58 years I’ve put up with it now,

“I must stop this Christmas from lighting, but how?”

Then he got an idea!

An awful idea!

The Guv got a wonderful, AWFUL idea!

“I know just what to do!” the Guv laughed in his throat,

“I’ll cut off their power and make others the goat.

“I’ll invite all the children and then play a trick

“I’ll turn on the tree lights--then turn them off quick.”

Though plenty of power plants could have been used,

His bureaucrats said that our air was abused.

So they ordered them closed--yes they took them off line--

And they made turning them on to a serious crime.

So the plants sat there idle while the Guv laughed and clucked,

And consumers across California were . . . disadvantaged.

The Guv said, “How splendid,” “How clever,” “How rich!”

“While throughout California, conservation I’ll pitch.”

So he went on the road, visiting every hamlet,

“Don’t blame me,” said the Guv, “It’s yourselves who would have it.”

“You’re wasteful. You’re greedy. You’re very ungreen.

“You can’t blame me; my conscience is clean.”

But on the last fund-raising stop of the night,

The Guv came upon a house that shown bright.

He rapped on the door with his governly frown.

When it opened, o’er his nose he looked down

At a little Californian not more than six.

She looked up and asked, “Are you really Saint Nick?”

She stared at the Guv and said, “Santy Claus why,

“Why are you taking our Christmas lights, WHY?”

“Why my sweet little tot,” the Guv started to lecture,

“It’s really quite simple, it’s the deregulators.

“The fault is not mine, they changed all the rules,

“And now there’s no power, those rotten old fools.”

“That’s true in the summer,” the little girl winked,

“But it’s winter right now, so your argument stinks.

“You have the author’ty to waive all those laws

“But you won’t, you phony old Santy Claus.”

And the Guv with his handlers accustomed to spin

Began to see clearly the trouble they’re in.

We did have the power to make little girls cheery

We did have the power to make Christmas Day merry

The problems with power we have are quite real

But there’s no need to lose Christmas lights in the deal.

And what happened then? Well, in California they say

That the Guv began fearing election day.

He set aside laws through executive order.

He set aside laws that had held back the power.

Though the air bureaucrats did not like what he did,

He poured electrons aplenty back onto the grid.

He called all the kids to the Capitol lawn

And he . . .

HE HIMSELF. . .

The Guv turned the Christmas tree on.