Bill, Babe, It’s a ‘Go’ and Let’s Do Lunch

From: President Bill Clinton

To: Ed Wilson, NBC Enterprises

Subject: Offer to host talk show

Dear Mr. Wilson:

After careful consideration of NBC’s overture to have me host a weekly talk show upon leaving office, I regret to inform you that I cannot accept the offer, as I feel the genre has been debased by Jerry Springer and others. However, I do have several alternative show proposals that I believe would preserve the dignity and respect due a former commander-in-chief:

Dharma & Greg & Bill

Basically, the idea is to phase me in, and phase Greg out. The ultimate goal is to rename the show “Dharma & Bill & Dharma’s Sexy Identical Twin.”

Unsolved Political Mysteries

In episode one, a Democratic vice president running for the White House after eight years of record prosperity inexplicably loses the race to a yahoo from Texas. Episode two: what the definition of “is” is.

This Old White House

The public loves celebrity homes, and what could be more riveting than an ex-president in his tool belt refurbishing his former residence? A new kitchen and complete renovation of all bedrooms and bathrooms are desperately needed. Of course, this may mean that George W. Bush will have to live elsewhere while the repairs proceed. A small price to pay for preserving our national heritage. Estimated time of restoration: four years, possibly eight years.

Ho Chi Minh’s Heroes

Inspired by my recent trip to Vietnam, I envision this series as a cross between “Hogan’s Heroes” and “Good Morning, Vietnam.” I’ll play the Hogan character, and I see Pat Morita as the bungling POW camp commandant. Possible guest appearance by John McCain. Suggested theme song: “Billy Don’t Be a Hero.”

Ally McBill

I drop a few pounds, join a Boston law firm and occasionally hallucinate that I’m talking with Al Green, Barry White and Bjork.

Extreme C-Span

A hard-hitting seven-hour program (maybe longer!) devoted to the rough-and-tumble, below-the-Beltway world of politics. This won’t just be another “talking heads” political program but will show at least the upper torso as well. Topics include “Filibustering and personal hygiene,” “Shaking hands, kissing babies and other things,” “Social etiquette for male spouses of U.S. senators.”

Willie’s Angels

An anonymous ex-president sends a trio of brainy but beautiful special agents--Janet Reno, Madeleine Albright and Al Gore--on weekly missions to combat evil.

The West Wing

Martin Sheen has served admirably, but what ever happened to term limits? In TV years, he’s been president longer than FDR. It’s time for a fresh face.

Sex and the City & Bill

Even before I fully grasped all the activities included under the rubric of “sex,” I always admired these four liberated women for their sophisticated attitudes. My role on the show is to add a much-needed male perspective. Also, I’ll have the power to make myself invisible.

The Fugitive

A wrongly accused president goes on the lam after a bitterly partisan, one-armed special prosecutor tries to indict him for “either perjury or jaywalking, whichever sticks.”

Everybody Loves Clinton

No matter how many embassies I bomb by “mistake” or how many women I sleep with or how fat I get, my wife always forgives me and the public keeps my approval ratings in the stratosphere. Finally, the people even go so far as to repeal the 22nd Amendment, which allows me to run again in 2004. (Think of how the history books would read--Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton.)

To: President Clinton

From: Ed Wilson, NBC Enterprises

We regret that we won’t be able to use any of your ideas. However, our audience research indicates the public would welcome a live-action revival of “The Mr. Bill Show,” featuring you in the title role. How do you feel about having Sluggo the Republican drop a safe on your head?

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E-mail Roy Rivenburg and Martin Miller at socalliving@latimes.com.