LAUGH LINES

A Pretty Penny: “New York over the holidays can be very expensive. Rates range from $350 to $700 per day for a standard room. Taxes, gratuities and cockroaches are extra.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Chicken Feed: “A woman is suing McDonald’s, claiming she found a fried chicken head in her order of chicken nuggets. A [McDonald’s] spokesperson said: ‘That’s ridiculous. We don’t put parts of actual chickens in our chicken nuggets.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

Singing the Blues: “Dick Clark recently had a birthday. I heard friends played a real cruel joke on him. . . . Apparently, they got Kathie Lee Gifford to go over to his house and give him a singing telegram.” (Andrew Wisot)

Holiday Bills: “Researchers say that the gifts itemized in the song ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ will cost you roughly $15,210 this year--about $23,103 if you buy them online. . . . It’s the shipping that makes online shopping expensive! . . . The ‘eight maids a-milking’ and their cows insisted on traveling first class.” (Jerry Perisho)

Hard to Swallow: Eggnog has “all the stuff that people love that is bad for you. . . . You’ve got sugar, you’ve got cream, you’ve got alcohol. You’ve got salt. . . . Yet, they managed to make it taste awful. How do they do that?” (Jay Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.