How I Didn’t Become a Millionaire

“Stupid!” I screamed at the television screen. “What kind of imbecile uses a ‘lifeline’ on their first question to end the children’s phrase ‘Duck, duck’? The answer is obviously ‘Goose, goose.’ Doesn’t every conscious breathing human being know that?”

I stood up, pacing: “How do you expect to win a million dollars if you can’t even answer the simplest question by yourself?”

The contestant on ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” never responded. However, in one swift kick of my La-Z-Boy’s worn footrest, a fledgling million-dollar game show contestant was born.

In less than a week, by replying to a tiny Los Angeles Times classified ad and making it through a vigorous interview process, I secured a participant’s spot on the new CBS million-dollar game show “Winning Lines,” hosted by Dick Clark.

The show wasn’t “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,” but it was close. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I was sipping mimosas on beachfront property.

“We’ve got a long day ahead and three episodes to shoot,” the producer yelled. Eighty game show participants were herded like cattle into a room the size of a stadium. Seated with me were two men in their late 30s. Mike was an actor. Ronnie was a biblical scribe.

“Fill out these personal information forms,” instructed a production assistant. I quickly learned that listing real information was discouraged. Most of the people around me were trying to break into the entertainment industry. The show wanted jobs and cities the television audience could relate to.

Mike laughed and dutifully changed his occupation. The next time you hear a Hollywood game show contestant state he works as a “Web designer” think “actor.” When a contestant claims to hail from “Chicago,” her actual home is probably closer to “Irvine.”

Dick Clark is paid to say, “ ‘Winning Lines’ ’ ‘Wonderwall’ is the most exciting three minutes on television.”

It actually took four hours to finish taping the first show. This was after waiting four hours to enter the studio.

To be fair, producing “Winning Lines” requires a complicated mix of technology and player coordination. Forty-nine televised participants are seated behind rows of desks rising six stories high in a bandstand formation. Participants key-in answers on computer terminals to word problems involving numbers. The fastest person to correctly answer a question becomes a semifinalist. Six semifinalists then compete in a “sudden death” match. The emerging finalist goes on to face the “Wonderwall” and the chance to win a million dollars.

Given my desire for the million dollars and admitted disdain for ignorant contestants, it can be surmised that I easily attained one of the six semifinalists spots, then went on to face the “Wonderwall.”

It’s time to come completely clean.

From the moment I started playing “Winning Lines,” I choked. I was not suddenly struck deaf, nor did my fingers become paralyzed. I heard Dick Clark announce the questions and saw the questions pop up on my computer terminal. If I were home in my boxer shorts scratching, I know I would have succeeded. Sitting in my La-Z-Boy, I am the million-dollar game show king! In that television studio, however, I was lost.

Not only was I unable to answer simple questions the fastest, I could not answer most questions correctly at all! The blinking lights, the electronic music, the cacophony of keypad typing by 48 other participants had me completely spooked.

I was, and still remain, ashamed.

Mike, the person Ronnie and I chatted with, was luckier. He became one of the six semifinalists. Mike went on to destroy his competition in the “sudden death” match and faced the “Wonderwall.” Three minutes later, after spending shy of 10 hours in our company, Mike walked away with $400,000. Heading toward the bathroom between games, I passed Mike, who was leaving. He waved.

“Do you realize you earned more than $40,000 an hour?” I said.

“That’s Michael Jordan wages,” he replied.

Mike smiled, and was gone.

Leaving the Hollywood television studio at midnight, I was exhausted and not one cent wealthier. In all, I had spent 14 hours seated in a large hall and a freezing television studio. On camera, I feigned glee, surprise, laughter and clapped wildly for competitors whom I really didn’t want to win.

In the end, competing in a million-dollar game show was humbling. It reminded me of the first time I had sex. After waiting for so long, the experience was over not quite before it began and really wasn’t that much fun.

One more thing: Remember that supposed dolt who initially used a “lifeline” to correctly answer his first question on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”? The contestant, a computer programmer from Texas named David Fite, went on to win $500,000.

Go figure.

* “Winning Lines” is shown Saturdays at 8 p.m. on CBS.

*

Samuel Gelerman is a writer and law school graduate living in Hollywood, although he hasn’t ruled out becoming a Web designer in Chicago.