That Thing You Don’t Smell Is Just Aidan Quinn’s Meditation Technique

The Mighty Quinn: And now the news you’ve all been waiting for: the winner of this year’s Kenny Loggins In-Touch-With-Reality Award. As you may recall, in 1998 we honored Loggins for his book “The Unimaginable Life,” which described (among other weirdnesses) how his wife gave birth while Loggins serenaded her with a song called “Birth Energy,” backed by a 25-woman choir that chanted, “I am opening, I am opening up.”

Off-Kilter’s reaction: “We are throwing, we are throwing up.”

Later, we decided that Loggins’ pioneering endeavors were so inspirational that we should name an award after him. The subsequent winner was Suzanne Somers, of Thighmaster and Buttmaster fame, for sharing with the world how she prepares for onstage performances: “I spray myself with Chanel No. 5 behind my ears and in my cleavage . . . [then] I visualize my body filling with liquid gold [that enters] through a cavity at the top of my head.”

Our reaction: “Uh, we don’t know about the liquid gold part, Suzanne, but you may be right about the hole in your head.”

Which brings us to 2000. Although it’s only February, we’re pretty sure nobody will be able to top actor Aidan Quinn. At the premiere party for VH1’s new movie “Two of Us,” he told correspondent Baird Jones about his unusual meditation method: “I relax using American Indian techniques developed to hunt without scaring away the animals. I slow my heartbeat down until it almost completely stops. I do it by slitting my eyes, closing them very tightly so that my energy doesn’t escape by blasting out my eyes. I try to de-scent myself--so there is no human smell--by holding my energy within.”

Evidently, Aidan really can stop his heartbeat, but as you can see, it also stops the flow of blood to his brain. We welcome him as our first odor-free winner.

Dial-a-Flood: During heavy rains in Northern California, the Santa Clara Water District operates a toll-free emergency hotline for people who need sandbags: (888) HEY-NOAH.

Weird Polls Bureau: Nearly 20% of Americans have paid for their dogs to have a professional massage, according to a survey by the American Animal Hospital Assn. Also, 18% of humans consider their pets to be “a genius.”

Alarming TV Trends Bureau: Just when you think the medium can’t get any worse:

* NBC is working on a sitcom in which dogs speak to each other. (No doubt the target audience is the “genius” animal category referred to above.)

* A one-hour “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” show will debut soon, hosted by Eleanor Mondale. (And suddenly the talking dogs show is sounding like “Masterpiece Theater.”)

Off-Kilter Encyclopedia: Belgium once tried to have cats deliver the mail. It didn’t work.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Olympic Broad Jumpers Using Gas Pills to Boost Athletic Performance! Flatulence Outburst Sent One Man an Extra 2 Inches to a New World Record!”

No de-scenting here. . . .

Unpaid Informants: Martin Miller, Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, Wireless Flash News Service, San Francisco Examiner, “Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader,” Michael Schuerman. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. We spend Tuesdays and Thursdays wondering whether anyone actually reads these little postscripts.