Many Leads but Few Conclusions in Our Search for Cap’n Crunch

Crunch APB Bureau: Our long national nightmare is almost over. After weeks of investigating the tragic disappearance of Cap’n Crunch, cereal police now believe they are zeroing in on his location.

Here at Off-Kilter, we’ve researched hundreds of tips from readers, but unfortunately, most were dead-ends because they only led us to Amelia Earhart, Jimmy Hoffa, Judge Crater, the Maya and other MIA has-beens.

Among the remaining theories, one of the most popular was that Crunch’s ship, the S.S. Guppy, vanished like its sister vessel, the S.S. Minnow, during a “three-hour tour.” Other readers speculated that Crunch was aboard the Mars Lander on a publicity stunt that went awry. And one tipster claimed the Cap’n is buried under the new Staples Center arena.

None of these leads checked out. Nor did the confessions we received from several alleged cereal killers (apparently their statements were forged by the LAPD’s Rampart Division).

So we narrowed the investigation to 11 theories, including one from Diane Augusto of Merritt Island, Fla., who reads Off-Kilter in Florida Today and is our first contest finalist from that newspaper. Her thesis: The Cap’n finally got over his love of the sea and retired to a harbor town to marry his longtime girlfriend, Brandy, a bartender who works laying whiskey down. Sources say Brandy is a fine girl, and a good wife she will be.

Here are the other finalists:

* The Cap’n entered a Beverly Hills plastic surgery clinic to have his eyebrows surgically removed from his hat and attached to his face. He’s also getting a fifth finger added to each of his four-digit hands. (Submitted by Eileen McCarthy and Barry Sloan)

* After years of dodging the question “Where is Mrs. Crunch?” and sensing that the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy will be spotlighted during this year’s presidential race, the captain has quietly retired from military service and is now living with General Mills. (Stacey Koon and e-mailer LAchatn)

* Let’s just say Tony the Tiger had some unfinished business with the Cap’n, whose last words were: “Frosted Flakes aren’t grrrrreat! They’re mediocre.” (Leslie N. Herschler; Eddie Deezen)

* While on shore leave, he followed some strange singing toward the sea, thinking it was the call of the siren. Instead, it was a Carnival cruise ship playing Kathie Lee Gifford music and, before he could escape, Crunch and hundreds of other senior citizens were herded aboard. (Kim Powers)

* He ran off and married the Chicken of the Sea mermaid. (Kathy Cleary)

* Crunch was spotted piloting an America’s Cup sailboat, hoping a victory might get his picture onto boxes of Wheaties. (Chris Ungar)

* Having made a fortune from secret dental kickbacks, he retired to a tropical paradise. (Wendy Abram and Geoffrey Abram)

* He took off the hat, grew a beard and went to work for KFC as their new Colonel. (Katie Sperling)

As for our final two prizes, second place goes to the students of Desert Winds High School in Lancaster, who revealed that Crunch is enrolled at their school--and they sent his laminated ID card to prove it. “He’s taking auto tech classes,” they said.

Tune in Monday for the grand-prize winner of what may well be Off-Kilter’s final reader contest.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New York Sewer Alligators Are on Endangered Animals List!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Larry Maxcy, Miles Harrison, Ann Harrison, Susanna Timmons. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.