Neither Rain, Nor Sleet . . . Nor ‘No’

Next to telemarketers calling during the dinner hour, the greatest curse of modern society is the unrelenting torrent of junk mail.

For a long time my wife, Elfi, and I wondered how much of the stuff was jammed into our mailbox in Reston, Va., over the course of a year. Now we know: 65 pounds’ worth.

During 1999, we saved and sorted all unrequested, bulk-rate mail: 1,288 pieces--slightly more than 100 per month, or 4.25 every day the U.S. Postal Service made deliveries. Monthly totals ranged from 86 in April to 168 in October. The October figure was inflated by 46 political fliers.

But the political blitz was well shy of the 79 financial mailings that offered pre-approved credit cards and personalized checks. A few checks also arrived from long-distance phone companies; cashing one would have meant changing carriers, of course. Given the competitiveness of that marketplace, we received a modest number of such solicitations, 21.

Most troubling was the bombardment from charities and other nonprofit groups. These are worthy organizations, ranging from A (American Lung Association) to Z (Friends of the National Zoo), many of which we support financially every year.

In December 1998, when sending contributions to various groups, we enclosed a note saying that in 1999 we wanted just one solicitation late in the year. We knew the reality of mass mailings was that such a request, seemingly simple but hopelessly naive, would not stanch the flow.

Sure enough, the nonprofits sent 442 pieces of mail our way in 1999. Some groups sought donations virtually every month--and in some months they made three or four separate appeals.

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Particularly annoying was their seductive ploy to send unsolicited goodies in hopes of inspiring a donation, including:

* Precisely 1,379 address labels in 39 mailings--enough to decorate 3.8 envelopes a day, seven days a week, for a year. The American Diabetes Association sent labels six times, 225 in all; Arthritis Fund sent five mailings, 210 labels; Nature Conservancy and National Foundation for Cancer Research-four mailings, 81 and 40 labels, respectively.

* Seventy greeting cards in 13 mailings. Hands-down winner: Alzheimer’s Association, with 10 packages of five cards each. Impressionism was the dominant artistic style. The association also provided address labels in three other mailings.

* A 128-page book, “God, Please Save Me,” by Sister Mary Rose McGeady, sent by Covenant House.

* Two pieces of jewelry--an Olympics pin from the U.S. Olympic Committee and an angel pin from the anti-drug-abuse America Sevens Foundation.

* Wrapping paper, gift tags and a wall calendar from the National Wildlife Federation.

* A packet of wildflower seeds from Habitat for Humanity, which also sent three other mailings with address labels and holiday cards.

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From the for-profit sector, there was the predictable cascade of circulars, catalogs and occasionally welcome cents-off coupons.

We got repeated mailings from a company selling pianos--neither my wife nor I have played one since childhood; and from various mortgage lenders--we paid off the loan on our house in 1997.

But sometimes the daily groan from thumbing through junk mail can give way to a chuckle. In April, we received a Greenpeace solicitation in an envelope that pictured a bear in the same clutch of mail that included an ad from Gartenhaus Fur Storage.

Note to both: Delete us from your mailing lists. Please.