It’s Wrong, I Tell You: A Marriage of Mutts; ‘Hamlet’ in Pig Latin

What’s Wrong With This Picture?: Remember those drawings that used to ask, “Can you find all the mistakes in this picture?” At first glance, the scene appeared normal, but if you stared long enough, you noticed that one person was reading a book upside down, another was wearing two different shoes and a third was nominating Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys for a Grammy.

Needless to say, real life works the same way. Everything seems copacetic on the surface, but if you look closely (or watch “The Jerry Springer Show”), you realize something is very wrong with this picture. For example:

* On Valentine’s Day in Beverly Hills, two dogs were joined in “holy mutt-rimony” at a wedding ceremony sponsored by Petsmart.com. (This is exactly the sort of thing that Proposition K9 is designed to stop.)

* A Los Angeles company is advertising an herbal mouth spray that supposedly eliminates road rage within five minutes.

* Tony DeFranco, of 1973’s “Heartbeat (It’s a Lovebeat)” fame, has announced plans for a comeback album. (This is exactly the kind of tragedy Proposition 18 will avert, by expanding the death penalty to include washed-up teen idols trying to revive their careers.)

* In Italy, the donkey population has fallen so precipitously that one breeder is using the Internet to seek mates for his animals. “If your donkey is lonely, send him to us,” says the Web site, https://www.asinomania.cjb.net.

* A singer in Del Mar has released the world’s first blues CD devoted to eating disorders.

* The city of Boulder, Colo., recently enacted a law requiring companies to grant full rights to transsexual employees, unless they exceed “three gender changes in an 18-month period.”

* Kraft is manufacturing Pokemon-shaped macaroni and cheese.

* A British company is selling sterling silver computer mouses for $1,350 each.

* A city-funded program in Philadelphia that published a pamphlet last year with tips on how to smoke crack has now released a guide to being a prostitute.

* An aspiring actress named Kirsten Magnuson recently took out an ad in a trade magazine proclaiming her availability for roles requiring goat milking. Another actor advertised his fluency in pig Latin, in case anyone decides to make a pig Latin version of “Hamlet.”

* A Kansas company has created “magnetic underwear” with tiny magnets embedded in the fabric, to cure hemorrhoids.

* A San Francisco company called Genetic Savings & Clone claims that Hollywood studios are clamoring for carbon copies of famous animal actors like Morris the Cat or the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

* The Zoo Doo Compost Co. of Memphis plans to commission sculptures of the Republican and Democratic presidential nominees made from elephant and rhinoceros dung. No word on whether the Brooklyn Museum of Art will display the works.

Philosophical Question of the Week: When your answering machine records a blank message, is it just a hang-up or an urgent call from a mime?

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Refrigerator Exorcism! Priest Chases Evil Spirit From Woman’s Fridge!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, San Francisco Chronicle, Baird Jones, Chicago Sun-Times, Philadelphia Daily News, Elle. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays until April.