Truth Is the Sleeper in Presidential Race

We want the truth from our political candidates.

Anybody got any bright ideas on how to get it?

Here’s a thought. Why not torture them?

Torture has a bad name today, but it used to be legal. From ancient Greece and Rome up to and including the 20th century, many authority figures have considered it a great way to get the truth.

That may sound cruel, but why should voters be the only ones who suffer during the primaries?

I’m not advocating pliers and a blowtorch--the tools of choice of the avenging crime boss in “Pulp Fiction”--but we need to make these candidates know we’re serious.

Among the time-honored forms of torture, my encyclopedia lists stretching, burning and beating. I’d rather not see lanky Bill Bradley stretched anymore, nor would I want to see a burning Bush--but how about something a little more civil?

Something like a little sleep deprivation.

You know how cranky you get when you haven’t slept for a day or so. Imagine how you’d act if someone systematically kept you awake until you spoke the truth. They’d show you a nice, soft king-size bed with a fluffy pillow but wouldn’t let you plop down until you told all.

Picture a California primary debate in which all four major presidential candidates shared the stage with moderator Regis Philbin.

Philbin: The most unusual feature of tonight’s debate is that none of the candidates has slept since a week ago Saturday. Please listen carefully to their responses and try not to hold their appearances against them. The first question goes to Gov. Bush. Governor, do you really believe your massive tax cut is what America needs?

Bush: If . . . I . . . could . . . just . . . lie . . . down--

Philbin: There’s a big four-poster bed with a comfy mattress all ready for you, governor, but we need an answer.

Bush: I (yawn) advocated that . . . because I was pandering to (yawn) conservative voters. It . . . would be . . . a foolish thing to--

At this point, Bush topples from his chair and is revived by an aide.

Philbin: Very good, Governor, thank you for cooperating at last. Mr. Gore, do you consider Bill Clinton a great president?

Gore (in his pajamas): I can’t . . . answer that.

Philbin: Why not?

Gore: Because I . . . don’t want to stay (yawn) awake . . . another minute.

Philbin: Are you afraid the country might want a fresh cast in the White House?

Gore: I don’t care what . . . the country wants. I just want my teddy.

Philbin: You want Teddy Kennedy.

Gore: My . . . teddy . . . bear.

Philbin: Your teddy bear is backstage under a nice cushy quilt and on top of some fresh sheets. Do you think there is so-called Clinton fatigue?

Gore: That must . . . be what I’m (yawn) feeling. If I could put my head down for five minutes, I’ll tell . . . you a Bill Clinton . . . story that’ll make Monica look tame.

Philbin: Very good, Mr. Vice President. You’ll be sleeping soon. Now, Mr. Bradley, do you really think Al Gore is untrustworthy?

Bradley (with eyes closed): Al . . . Gore? I don’t know . . . anyone . . . named Al Gore.

Philbin: He’s your opponent.

Bradley: (yawn) I’m running against . . . Al? He’s one of the finest (yawn) men I’ve ever met.

Philbin (to stagehands): Take him away, let him get his rest.

McCain: Can I have a question now, Regis? I’m getting a little antsy over here.

Philbin: Sen. McCain, you seem remarkably alert.

McCain: Why shouldn’t I be?

Philbin: You’ve gone 11 days without sleep.

McCain: Big deal. When I was a POW in Hanoi, my record was 19. Would you like to hear about my plan to retire the national debt, secure Social Security and ensure world peace?

Philbin: Sure, Senator. But first I have to ask you about what you’ve heard from your opponents so far tonight. Sounds like they’re telling the truth.

McCain (miffed): Exactly what I was afraid of. I knew they’d crack.

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com.