Modest Proposal: Who Wants to Marry Me?

Dear Darva,

Are you OK?

Like a lot of other guys, I saw clips of your TV appearance earlier this month on “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” I thought you handled yourself beautifully. You seem pretty level-headed, so I’m not surprised that Mr. Rockwell chose you as his bride. (You looked great in your wedding dress!)

But to be honest, I’m not sorry that things didn’t work out between you two. Honestly, I kinda had my fingers crossed.

Since the show, you’ve taken a lot of flak. People wonder why you agreed to appear on the program if you weren’t going to follow through on the premise of marrying a total stranger.

I saw your interview last week where you told ABC’s Diane Sawyer that you didn’t expect to win the contest and that you hadn’t thought things through.

I’m not here to judge. I just sense you’re hurting right now and was wondering if, well, you know, you’d like to get together. I’m hurting too, but let’s not get into that right now.

I want to level with you: I’m no millionaire. I have a little money in the bank and some mutual funds, but they’re not doing so well right now. But you’ve said you don’t care about money, as long as you meet the right guy. Would it bother you to know I rent?

It seems to me that one of the problems you and Mr. Rockwell had was that you hadn’t met until your marriage. Then, after you exchanged marital vows on the air, he kissed you.

That jerk.

Believe me, I’d never rush you like that.

I also sensed your pain when you talked about your honeymoon. You told Sawyer that you and Mr. Rockwell slept in separate beds--with a chaperon in the room--and that marriage doesn’t imply sex.

She rolled her eyes at that, but millions of men across America were nodding their heads and muttering, “Amen.”

Call me nutty, but I sense that you and I would have great chemistry.

Well-Groomed Already

May I tell you a little about myself? I enjoy macrame, walks on the beach and banging pots together at all hours of the night. I am 50 years old but friends say I look 54. I’m very close to my family and have asked my mother to move in with me permanently. No answer yet!

As you can see, I work for a newspaper. I’m a self-starter and every bit the old-fashioned guy. Do you know all 50 state capitals? Not to brag, but I do. I enjoy traveling and have been to five states.

I want to be upfront about something: I was married once, but it was a long time ago and I’ve matured a lot since then. I learned that people have to know each other’s hang-ups before marrying. For example, how could I know she’d be the type who didn’t like it when I’d scare her every time she came around a corner?

Live and learn. I’m not compatible with the jumpy type.

Is it correct you’re an emergency room nurse? I really respect that. I went to an ER once and the staff couldn’t have been nicer, even though I bled all over the place and made an awful ruckus until they told me to “keep it down” and then put me under for about three hours.

You look like you’re in pretty good shape. What activities do you enjoy? Please tell me that bowling and laser tag aren’t off-limits. I’m a bit of a free spirit, so don’t be surprised if on any given Saturday night you hear me say, “Miniature golf anyone?”

If I could be serious for a moment, I’m not interested in meeting you on the rebound. I’ve got too much pride for that. I can only imagine what it’s like to enter a pageant on national TV, marry a stranger on the air, go on a Barbados honeymoon and then say it was all a big mistake.

If you’re not over all that, please don’t call. But if you feel like you’re back on the beam and ready for a non-pressure situation, well. . . .

There won’t be any TV cameras or publicity people or tabloids. Just this big dope with a heart as big as all outdoors and a hope that you’re ready to take another chance.

If your answer is no, I understand.

But if it is, would you mind sending me an autographed picture?

Fondly, Mr. Parsons

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Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821, by writing to him at The Times’ Orange County edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail at dana.parsons@latimes.com.