One Tip: Avoid Overnight Antiques

New Millennium reminders: Post in a prominent place.

1) Avoid antique stores. Now that everything has become a century older overnight, prices will skyrocket. For example, beware of signs such as “Authentic 20th-Century Butter Churn, $599.” It could be a Cuisinart made last month.

2) Remember that conventional New Year’s resolutions are difficult enough to establish and keep--you are not obligated to raise the ante by making New Millennium resolutions. Resist getting carried away by the moment. Such vows, by their nature, would force you into impossibly large self-improvement projects--to double your height, say--that could set you up for a painful letdown.

3) Do not leaf through business directories looking for New Millennium anomalies, e.g., Century 21, 20th Century Fox, etc., then write snide letters to such companies asking what they plan to do about it. Indeed, you might well make it a New Year’s resolution to swear off crank letters of all kinds.

4) Do not use social occasions to indulge such New Millennium-inspired post-New Year’s japeries as “I haven’t had a drink since the last century” or “Your hair looks like it hasn’t been washed since the second millennium.” If you were a party bore before, these limp witticisms will seal your reputation. If you were not a party bore before, you will become one--a lame start to a new age.

5) Remember that what you have always called “the last century” is now the century before the last, and you must now see the 19th century as you formerly saw the 18th. If you are a Victorian scholar, a collector of fin de siecle French art posters or a Civil War buff, this could have serious psychological ramifications. Likewise, remember that the century you always thought of as the present is now the past--”Baywatch” reruns, last month’s Talk magazine, even your ’99 Hyundai Sonata have officially become historical curiosities.

6) Note that it was not necessary to turn the hour hands on clocks or wristwatches ahead 365,000 times on Jan. 1, 2000 in order to update them to the new millennium. Top horologists explain that most timepieces don’t know or need to know what year it is.

7) Do not unduly punish yourself if you dug a backyard shelter, stocked it with bulgur and canned corn, armed yourself with a Kalashnikov semiautomatic--and Y2K failed to trigger global chaos. You will be a center of attention in your community, a VIP pursued for interviews by TV news crews and local conspiracy theorists for days.

8) If you are a doomsayer who counted on the beginning of the new millennium to trigger the destruction of the world, do not waste time redoing your calculations. Instead, act quickly when businesses reopen Jan. 3 to pay those bills you let slide. The new millennium is no time to be without phone, electric or cable-TV service!

9) Though it is 100% certain that the new century is the one you will die in, try seeing the “up” side of what is bound to be one of, if not the most exciting 100-year period in all history. With experts predicting imminent advances from in-home dry cleaning to self-tightening belts to Chinese menus you can eat, every extra day you can hold on in this new millennium of ours promises to be pretty darn special!