The Secret of Fatima May Help Solve the Mystery of Those Missing Socks

Something About Mary: One of the biggest mysteries left over from the previous century (aside from why anyone ever let Pauly Shore have a career) is: What is the third secret of Fatima?

For those unfamiliar with the story, in 1917 the Virgin Mary appeared to three shepherd children in Fatima, Portugal, and delivered three messages, or secrets.

The first was a prophecy that World War I would end but be followed by a bigger conflict. The second was a request that the pope and bishops publicly consecrate Russia, which would lead to its conversion and a period of peace. (Some believe this happened in 1984, when Pope John Paul II consecrated the world and--five years later--communism collapsed.)

The third secret has never been made public. It was scheduled to be unveiled in 1960, but after Pope John XXIII read it, he quickly had it burned. No, wait. That was the script for “Meet Joe Black” and--unfortunately--Hollywood had another copy.

As for Fatima, the pope inexplicably had the final secret resealed. Now, with the dawn of a new millennium, speculation about the third message is running wild. Some believers fear it warns of a pending apocalypse. Church leaders deny that but refuse to say more.

So Off-Kilter borrowed Caltech’s new sport-utility time machine (which has four-wheel drive for off-road time traveling) and sent our intrepid reporter into the future to witness the official unsealing of the third secret.

As it turns out, the document actually explains several enduring mysteries, including:

* The Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices.

* The lyrics to “Louie Louie.”

* Whether Miller Lite tastes great or is less filling.

* What really happens to socks that disappear in the dryer.

* Whether invisible people can get sunburned.

* The answers to every “Final Jeopardy” question through the year 2040.

Terrible Twos Bureau: Today is Off-Kilter’s second birthday and, frankly, we’re a little embarrassed by all the hoopla. (Over the weekend, CNN showed people shooting off fireworks in our honor at the Eiffel Tower, Times Square and other locales.)

Then again, we are proud of our accomplishments. When Off-Kilter debuted, it had only 77 readers, half of whom thought they were still reading Dr. Joyce Brothers. But two years later, the column is syndicated to 12 newspapers in the U.S. and overseas, and total readership has climbed to an amazing 119 (well, actually, 118 because one person died over the holidays, but still, that’s a 54% increase).

In addition, we have remained free from the taint of Pulitzers and other journalistic honors as part of our pledge to never write anything of consequence. We’re confident this tradition will continue in the new millennium.

Weird Polls Desk: Which would you rather read: a poll on who’s ahead in the Republican presidential race or a survey on how many Americans pick their nose while driving?

We thought so. You people are warped.

According to a recent survey by Response Insurance, 17% of drivers have nearly caused a wreck while mining for hidden treasures in their snouts.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Did Benjamin Franklin Invent Electricity by Rubbing Cats Together?” (Weekly World News)

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Unpaid Informants: www.fatima.org, Wireless Flash News Service. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.