Did Quisp Abduct Cap’n Crunch for an Alien Cross-Breeding Conspiracy?

Cereal Killer Bureau: If the pope or president suddenly vanished, it would be front-page news, right? Even the disappearance of a third-rate luminary like Merv Griffin would--after the celebrations died down--attract widespread coverage.

So why is there a media blackout on the possible kidnapping and murder of Cap’n Crunch? Earlier this week, cereal boxes marked “Where’s the Cap’n?” began popping up on grocery store shelves. And a spokeswoman for Quaker Oats has confirmed that the famous mascot is missing.

According to police, Crunch was last seen having dinner with his close friends Count Chocula and the Lucky Charms leprechaun in late December. He stepped outside to smoke a cigarette and never returned.

Was foul play involved? Several theories have emerged. An FBI forensics expert believes Crunch was killed by Col. Mustard, in the kitchen, with the lead pipe. Mustard was reportedly jealous over an Internet petition drive to have the captain promoted to an admiral.

Other investigators suspect a jilted lover. Crunch, who recently began fortifying his cereal with 11 essential vitamins and Viagra, has been linked to a string of women over the years, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth and singer Toni Tennille (who dubbed their romance “the Cap’n and Tennille”). Last month, rumors surfaced that Crunch started an affair with Jerry Seinfeld’s new wife shortly after her honeymoon.

But several associates question the murder scenarios. “Let’s face it, the captain is getting up in years. It’s quite possible he simply wandered off and forgot his identity,” said the Crunchberry Beast, a longtime friend.

Crunch also went AWOL in 1985, reportedly to have extensive dental work done after decades of eating his own sugar-laden cereal.

Hoping for the best, Quaker Oats has posted a $1 million reward for anyone who locates Crunch.

Here at Off-Kilter, we share Quaker’s angst over the elderly captain’s fate, which is why we’re announcing our own reward fund for the best reader theory about what happened to him. We don’t have $1 million to offer (and if we did, we certainly wouldn’t give it to any of you), but we do have fabulous prizes, including a Kodak gift basket (loaded with film, cameras and other goodies), a pair of Tuff Talkin’ Wrestler dolls, a Swiffer anti-dust device, a kit to make your own chewing gum, and assorted books, CDs, games, gadgets and Weekly World News shirts.

(Any leftover prizes will be donated to Off-Kilter’s Michael Eisner Relief Fund, to help the Disney chief executive recover from not receiving any bonus last year, which forced him to subsist on a $750,000 base salary and stock options worth $50 million.)

To enter our contest, send your theory on what happened to Cap’n Horatio Crunch via fax, (213) 237-4712, e-mail (see address at end of column), or letter to Roy Rivenburg’s Off-Kilter, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. Be sure to include your name, address, phone number and prize preferences. Deadline is Jan. 31. All entries become property of The Times.

Off-Kilter Almanac: There are 87,000 donkeys in Spain.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “One in Four UFO Pilots Is Drunk!” (Weekly World News)

This is why we keep saying someone should set up a sobriety checkpoint at Jupiter.

Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, https://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/3278/cereal-guide.html, Allison Joyce, Ann Harrison, Chicago Sun-Times. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.