Sometimes, Parental Guidance Is Required for Play Dates

Dear Vicki: Something is happening lately that has really thrown me. I thought I knew the rules for play dates. Have the rules changed on me--or do I need to find a polite (or not-so-polite) way to communicate with other play-date parents? Here’s the scenario: My 8-year-old son is invited over to play at a house. I trust and like the parents--some I’ve known for a few years, some I’ve just met through school. When I pick up my son from the play date, I find out that they took him to a park, or the beach, bicycling (with helmets), activities I would probably approve, but they don’t call me first and ask if it’s OK. Am I wrong to be upset? What do I say to these parents about these past events? It should be fairly easy to solve in the future, just say, “Please call me if you plan to go anywhere.” Does this sound paranoid? Do the rules change this much as the kids get older? Looking for your input, Girlfriend.

--PLAY DATE PHOBIC

Dear Play Date: Well, starting with the Mommy Behavior Barometer, be assured that you are not over the top in your concerns. Almost all of us moms have picked up a child from a play date only to learn that a rock-climbing visit was thrown in at the last minute or that the host family decided to let all the kids try coffee as a “special” beverage. Not the kind of stuff that seriously imperils our kids, but certainly stuff we would have appreciated being notified of in advance.

Not only have I been on your side of the fence, but I have been the clueless mom who has taken a vegetarian child out for fast-food burgers or sat with another through an Austin Powers movie. Trust me, either position is equally disconcerting for us moms. Like the vast majority of the parents of your son’s play dates, my intentions are good and I try to provide wholesome play without coming off as the most restrictive and boring mom in the school. But sometimes good intentions just pave the road to hell.

My best advice for you is to discuss the upcoming play date specifically before it takes place. Gently ask the other parent what he or she plans for the kids. Clearly point out those activities that make you uncomfortable or are beyond the current mastery of your own little angel. It not only puts your mind at ease to know how your beloved child will be spending his time outside your supervision, but it is quite useful to the host parents to know what your guidelines are. And yes, of course, ask them to call about any change of plans.

Now, on to your question about whether play-date rules change substantially as the kids get older. Yes, the rules rapidly accelerate from about the age of 10 on. And, if your child’s play-date pal has an older brother or sister, be assured that the sibling’s influence will be felt. In my house, for example, I can feel pretty secure about the appropriateness of the play dates planned for my 8-year-old, but I’d be a doofus to think that some remark or suggestion of “fun” by my nearly 12-year-old son and his friends would leave the little boys unscathed. I will never recover from the time my older son came home from a sleepover to announce that his friend’s teenage brother lit my son’s socks on fire as part of a “science experiment.” The news caught me so off guard that I neglected to ask whether my son was still wearing the socks when the experiment was performed.

Contrary to our maternal wishes, we don’t serve our children’s popularity or growing independence by locking them up in a tower every day after school. Our only weapons in this war against the subversive forces of the universe are our constant indoctrination of our kids as to our rules and bylaws and our faith in the vigilance of the host parents. If either of those tactics provides an inadequate defense against the judgment calls our kids will be called on to make, we must insist that all play dates take place at our house under our watchful eye until we feel better and more trusting. It’s a tough balance: to teach your child independence while providing a safety net for bad judgment calls, but it’s in your parental job description. Good luck!

*

Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.