LAUGH LINES

Moving Day: “Hillary Clinton moved into her new home in Chappaqua, N.Y. It’s considered an affluent bedroom community. As opposed to the White House, which Clinton turned into an affluent community bedroom.” (Jay Leno)

For the Ages: “Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have plans to marry later this year. He’s 55 and she’s 30. There will be some communication problems. For instance, his interpretation of ‘going all night’ refers to bladder control problems.” (Jerry Perisho)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Questions on the New York Jets Head Coach Application

10. What kind of frosting do you want on your going-away cake?

9. Do you have references from other teams from which you’ve resigned?

6. Do you have access to an amazing field-goal-kicking donkey?

4. Are you bothered by 70,000 people chanting, “‘You suck”?

3. True or false: a football is kind of football-shaped.

2. Is the main reason you want this job because you’re intrigued by a locker room full of hulking, naked men?

1. Can you operate a clipboard?

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