Could Metamucil Be Made Obsolete by Brad Pitt’s Home Phone Number?
Laxative Make-Over Bureau: In a lame attempt to improve the image of prunes, California’s prune advisory board has asked the government to change the name of its product to “dried plums,” which is what prunes actually are.
Dumb move. If the prune people are serious about upgrading the fruit’s image, they need to be more creative. Here are some other possible new names:
* “Winning lottery tickets”
* “Brad Pitt’s home phone number”
* “Free Pokemon inside”
* “Viagra”
Alarming Trends Report: A postage stamp honoring the musical “Cats” was unveiled Wednesday by U.S. Postal Service officials, who clearly have discovered another way to go crazy besides shooting co-workers.
I Can See Clearly Now: On the heels of our report about see-through bowling balls comes word of another breakthrough: see-through refrigerators. According to Reuters, a Swedish inventor has just patented a transparent refrigerator. In other words, science has finally found a way to prove whether the light stays on or goes off after you close the refrigerator door.
Meanwhile, we’re hoping see-through technology will be applied to other products, such as lottery scratcher tickets, caskets, Cracker Jack boxes (so you can tell if there’s a decent prize inside) and vans (so you can see past them on the freeway).
Penny for Your Thoughts: When asked whose face is on the penny, one-third of U.S. children ages 6 to 12 are clueless, according to a new survey by General Mills. Two percent said Bill Clinton was on the coin, 16% named George Washington, and 10% listed such figures as Mona Lisa, Robin Hood, Dr. Seuss or “a grape.”
The youngsters also fared poorly when quizzed about what material pennies are made of: 18% said gold, 9% chose aluminum foil and 3% said chocolate.
Finally, when asked for the translation of e pluribus unum, the Latin phrase stamped on each coin, 30% thought it meant “We are the world” and 28% said “A penny saved is a penny earned.”
Only 17% knew the correct translation is “Drop the chalupa.”
Random Facts Bureau: Our latest collection of information (100% true) you must know to survive in the new millennium:
* In Ethiopia, it is still 1992.
* A 5-year-old British girl recently turned orange after drinking too much Sunny Delight.
* Pepe Le Pew is 55 years old (except in Ethiopia, where he’s 47).
* In Marshaltown, Iowa, it’s illegal for a horse to eat a fire hydrant.
* In 1972, the crew of Apollo 17 woke up to the sounds of “We’ve Only Just Begun” by the Carpenters.
Cap’n Crunch Update: For anyone still planning to enter Off-Kilter’s latest reader contest, please keep your theory on what happened to Cap’n Crunch brief. We’re reading all the entries, but we don’t have room to print more than a sentence or two from the winners. Thanks.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Two-Headed Lesbian Can’t Marry Herself, Says Court!” (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Valerie Marz, Susanna Timmons, Ann Harrison, PR Newswire, Rachel Williams, Reuters, Wireless Flash News Service, “Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader,” Details. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.