Bright Ideas From the WHOOPS File

The year 2000 has begun on a note of mistrust, with many Americans ever skeptical of such large institutions as the media and federal government.

An example is the present flap about TV networks being able to gain financially by integrating into prime-time entertainment scripts messages that reflect the U.S. government’s anti-drug policy.

Here’s how the program works:

When the government buys ad time for anti-drug spots, networks must match that investment with their own public service announcements, which costs them financially because these spots consume commercial time ordinarily sold to advertisers. So as an alternative, networks can earn credit from the government by instead including anti-drug themes within shows.

Although ABC says it dropped out of the program after the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy asked to see scripts, that office “does not veto, clear or otherwise dictate the content of network television or other programs,” says its director, retired Gen. Barry R. McCaffrey.

Yet critics of the financial incentives program regard such White House-network collusion, however noble the goal, as a dangerous precedent that could encourage possible wider government intervention in program content all across TV.

Leading to the WHOOPS file. . . .

Joe Garagiola

Legendary sports commentator

USA Network

Dear Mr. Garagiola,

It has come to our attention at the White House Office of Optional Programming Services (WHOOPS) that you will host “The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show” Feb. 14-15 on the USA Network.

As you know, President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton own a chocolate Labrador retriever named Buddy. What you may not know is that Buddy has been depressed because of media attention lavished on the first family’s cat, Socks.

Everyone at the White House would be extremely appreciative if you would consider having Buddy co-host this prestigious event with you. His veterinary therapist says it would do wonders for his ego and self-confidence.

By the way, the president and first lady want you to know how much they and Buddy admire you and other Italian Americans.

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Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman, David Crane

Executive producers, “Friends”

NBC

Dear Mr. Bright, Mr. Crane and Ms. Kauffman,

Congratulations on another successful season. While watching Thursday’s episode, it occurred to some of us at WHOOPS that your fine series could benefit from the charismatic presence of Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan.

Consider this exciting scenario:

Chairman Greenspan stops by Central Perk coffeehouse in Greenwich Village, engages in a discussion and is heartened to learn that

Monica, Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe agree with him that the economy is growing too fast and that raising interest rates is the best way to prevent inflation. Afterward, they all gather at Monica and Rachel’s place for witty banter about bond trading.

Although this is entirely your call, be aware that we’ve already initiated discussions about Chairman Greenspan with “Veronica’s Closet.”

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Josh Whedon

Executive producer,

“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

The WB

Dear Mr. Whedon,

Having Buffy enter college this season was a stroke of genius. By the way, you may have noticed that Chelsea Clinton is also attending college.

Just a thought: What if Chelsea and Buffy were to meet in an episode? One possibility would be for them to become friends at a basketball game between their respective schools, Stanford and University of California Sunnydale.

Afterward, Chelsea could join Buffy in combating the dark evils that lurk among us. For example, they could join in destroying a vampire who resembled, say, Linda Tripp. Or even a certain former special prosecutor.

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Aaron Sorkin, Thomas Schlamme,

John Wells

Executive producers,

“The West Wing”

NBC

Gentlemen,

You have not responded to our suggestion that President Josiah Bartlett endorse extending U.S. trade sanctions against Cuba. As a footnote, be advised that “WWW Smackdown!” on UPN is receptive to our proposal that it expand its villains to include a Fidel Castro look-alike.

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David E. Kelley

Executive producer, “Ally McBeal”

Fox

Dear Mr. Kelley,

You may be unaware that Secretary of State Madeleine K. Albright is a devoted viewer of “Ally McBeal” and especially admires one of its characters, John (“The Biscuit”) Cage. It may have something to do with the affection they share for singer Barry White.

With that in mind, Secretary Albright suggests that, as you’ve already depicted Atty Gen. Janet Reno on “Ally McBeal,” an episode could be created in which the secretary makes a personal appearance.

One thought is to have Secretary Albright and the Asian American character, Ling Woo, have a discussion about the undeniable wisdom of the administration’s China policy. Then they could all go dancing.

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Martha Williamson

Executive producer,

“Touched by an Angel”

CBS

Dear Ms. Williamson,

We hope you know how deeply felt your magnificent series is at the White House, where the president and first lady have always been personally touched by the soulfulness of your characters.

In that spirit, you may want to consider a story line they began tossing around after watching “Touched by an Angel” together one evening with members of their staffs. They believe the following parable would resonate with the public:

A woman, at a crossroads in her life, is unselfishly motivated by public service to move to another state and run for office there, only to come under severe attack from supporters of her unsavory opponent. As the hurtful assault on her character continues, her mood darkens and she begins to question whether she has made the right decision.

At that point she is visited by two campaign volunteers (angels Monica and Tess), who persuade her that God supports her relocation and wants her to continue. The hour could end with her working tirelessly at a food kitchen for the poor and her heartless opponent calling for the homeless to be evicted from a shelter in the dead of winter. As an alternative, he could be visited by Andrew, angel of death.

You should know, Ms. Williamson, that when the president and first lady mentioned this story idea to members of their staffs, quite a few were moved to tears, and their dear friend, James Carville, wept.

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Howard Rosenberg can be contacted via e-mail at calendar.letters@latimes.com.