One Species That Firmly Believes Dental Care Is Simply for the Birds

Tooth or Consequences: Evolution is a baffling phenomenon. For example, West-ways magazine recently published a story in which a Nile crocodile was seen lounging on a riverbank in Kenya with its mouth propped wide open. A tour guide explained: “He has just eaten. They leave their mouths open so that small birds will come and clean their teeth.”

Biologists call this a “symbiotic relationship,” which is the animal-world equivalent of having Kato Kaelin live in your guest house.

But how did this crocodile-bird partnership ever develop?

What made the first crocodile assume that leaving its mouth open would cause dental-hygiene fairies to magically flit by and clean its teeth? Even stranger, what made the first bird think it could rummage around a giant reptile’s mouth and not get eaten alive?

Scientists aren’t sure, but most think liquor was involved.

Biologists also theorize, since evolution is an ongoing process, that millions of years from now, crocodiles will negotiate contracts with dental colleges to have human interns visit every six months to conduct professional cleanings, take X-rays and give them free Oral-B toothbrushes.

Lunatic Fringe Report: A “past lives” expert from Illinois says Elvis Presley’s soul has been reincarnated into the body of Billy Ray Cyrus’ newborn daughter.

Thinking Outside the Box: Boxed sets are the sport-utility vehicles of the music world: oversized, overpriced and loaded with features nobody really uses, such as four-wheel drive, jewel-case defrosters and previously unreleased versions of Elvis Presley tunes sung by Billy Ray Cyrus’ baby.

Or something like that. For instance, Sony just released “Soundtrack for a Century,” a 26-CD anthology that retails for $330. Not to be outdone, BMG Classics unveiled a 94-CD compilation of Arthur Rubinstein music for $1,500. And Philips needed a crane to unleash “The Great Pianists of the 20th Century,” a 200-CD boxed set for $2,300.

Unfortunately, the proliferation of boxed sets is confusing to consumers. That’s why Off-Kilter is proud to announce “The Only Boxed Set You’ll Ever Need,” a boxed set containing every other boxed set. And it’s yours for just $999,999.99 (we were going to charge $1 million, but $999,999.99 sounds cheaper and will probably increase sales).

Alarming Trends Bureau: “Kellogg plans to launch a soy-based cereal,” according to a press release.

This is an outrage. If Kellogg thinks Americans will idly stand by while . . .

Oh wait. We thought the press release said “soylent green-based cereal.” Never mind.

Quotes Inc.: From “The Lost Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey: “How many of us, if we are pirates, actually take the time to talk to our parrots? And I don’t just mean repeating bawdy phrases over and over again.”

Off-Kilter Almanac: The Pillsbury Doughboy has giggled 99,000 times in his career.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Press-On Claws for Werewolves!” (Weekly World News)

Perfect for elderly werewolves whose real nails have gotten too brittle to rip flesh.

Unpaid Informants: Allison Joyce, Wireless Flash News Service, U.S. News & World Report, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.