This Is the Dawning of the Age of Your-Company-Name-Here
It’s a Mall World After All: The 1960s were the We Decade, the ‘70s were the Me Decade, the ‘80s the Al Franken Decade and the ‘90s the Not-Me Decade, because everyone blamed their problems on someone else.
As for the current decade, we’re soliciting bids. If you or your company would like to have the next 10 years named after you, send us a check. If the price is right, we’ll happily start referring to the era any way you wish: the Metamucil Decade, the New Formula Liquid Tide Decade, the Volkswagen Decade or even Staples Decade with no “the.”
Once it’s in this newspaper, other media outlets will assume it’s true and the nickname will stick. Remember how people thought the new millennium started on Jan. 1, 2000, even though it actually doesn’t begin until 2001? That was us.
So don’t pass up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Act now and we’ll throw in a set of Ginsu knives and an unnamed decade from the late 1700s absolutely free!
And remember: Naming the decade for a friend or relative makes a lovely graduation gift or anniversary present. As an added incentive, we should warn that if the bids we get are too low, we’ll start calling the next 10 years the Regis Philbin Decade. And nobody wants that. So pony up and no one will get hurt.
Also, for those who resent this crass commercialization of the space-time continuum, get used to it. According to a recent issue of Details magazine, advertising will soon seep into “every unused crevice of our lives,” including:
* Ads posted on urinals and stalls. One company even affixes backward ads on restroom walls so that women applying makeup will see a Noxzema logo hovering behind them in the mirror.
* Floor graphics. A New Jersey firm is installing Yasmine Bleeth and her milk mustache in the floors of grocery stores nationwide. Eventually, the ads will be electronically animated to show the mustache dripping.
* Brand-name streets. Atlanta recently considered allowing corporate sponsors to buy the city’s street names for $1 million each.
* The final frontier. In November, Russia launched a rocket with a 30-foot Pizza Hut emblem on the side. And a British ad agency plans to project corporate logos onto the moon using lasers.
* Techno sandwich boards. A company called AdWheels sends packs of in-line skaters around with TV screens strapped to their torsos that play movie trailers and commercials. “At night they look like fireflies,” says Details.
* Beach blanket ad blitz. A New Jersey shore was recently turned into a giant ad for ABC by a roller that stamps thousands of 4-by-12-foot images into the sand. It also works on snow.
* TV reruns. Computers can now insert current ads into old shows. Example: A “Seinfeld” rerun could have an ad for a new movie added to the side of a building Jerry is walking past.
But those are just a few of the possibilities. Here at Off-Kilter, we’re working on other sophisticated advertising techniques:
* Breakfast cereals that snap, crackle, pop and tell you what kind of deodorant to buy.
* A device that seeds clouds to resemble company logos.
* Genetically engineered dogs that bark the names of corporate sponsors--and birds that trill commercial jingle mating calls.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Indiana Man Speaks Perfect German After Truck Hits Him--Now He Can’t Understand a Word of English!” (Weekly World News)
E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
