‘Yo, Your Holiness,’ Is Probably Not Part of Pontiff Protocol Either

Off-Kilter Pop Quiz: The proper etiquette for closing a letter to the pope is:

(a) Grooving on your holiness.

(b) Pope-a-rifically yours.

(c) Love, Sinead O’Connor.

(d) Dude, when are we going for a spin in the popemobile?

(e) Heard any good Polish jokes lately?

(f) Wishing you the peace of Christ.

(g) Protestants suck!

(h) None of the above.

Answer below.

Canine Halitosis Bureau: In honor of National Pet Dental Health Month in February, a Kansas company has launched a 24-hour “Doggy Breath Hotline” that lets callers anonymously report the names and addresses of dogs with bad breath.

The sponsor of the hotline, Hill’s Pet Nutrition, will then mail a packet of information on possible cures to the offending dog.

To make a report, call (800) 615-1400.

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: A Minneapolis man claims he is keeping a “living lint ball” as a pet. According to Fate magazine, the captive dust bunny behaves like a mouse, but nobody knows what type of energy or life force animates it.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Lint Balls is demanding that the creature be freed. And Off-Kilter is demanding someone establish a hotline to report lint balls with bad breath.

Alarming Trends Report: After a 10-year absence, the California Raisins will return to action Feb. 10--accompanied by Richard Simmons.

Lame-Duck Veggie Bureau: As usual, the media got so wrapped up in the Golden Globe Awards that they neglected to inform the public about a much more significant ceremony. We’re referring, of course, to the Assn. for Dressings and Sauces’ nationwide contest to sculpt the head of a celebrity using nothing but vegetables.

This year’s winner was a group of Florida second-graders who created a vegetable version of President Clinton.

Quotes Inc.: From Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, commenting on baseball Commissioner Bud Selig’s order that John Rocker visit a psychiatrist after making politically incorrect remarks: “If Rocker gets slapped for his insensitivity to other races and cultures, why doesn’t Selig order 1 million Atlanta Braves fans to the psychiatrist to be treated for their Native American-bashing ‘Tomahawk Chop’?”

Pop Quiz Answer: According to the newsletter Context, the proper closing for a letter to the pope is: “Prostrate at the feet of Your Holiness and imploring the favor of its apostolic benediction, I have the honor to be, Very Holy Father, with the deepest veneration of Your Holiness, the most humble and most obedient servant and son/daughter.”

Which prompted Chicago columnist Zay N. Smith to quip: “This is why the pope gets so few postcards.”

Off-Kilter Almanac: The farthest distance a pumpkin has been hurled without the use of explosives is 3,718 feet, according to “Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Bizarre Car Virus Is Sweeping U.S.!” (Weekly World News)

According to WWN, doctors aren’t sure if the virus is airborne “or if cars catch it from one another through gasoline nozzles and drive-thru carwashes.”

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Chicago Sun-Times, U.S. Catholic magazine. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.