The (Inanimate) Incredible Hunk

Let’s face it: Relationships are hard work. Who hasn’t felt--at least once--that a mate would be perfect if only he or she would just shut up. Permanently.That’s why I think Susan Stofsky may have hit on something. The Van Nuys resident has created a male who can’t say a word.

“He doesn’t care how much you spend or what you watch on TV,” she said. “He lets you ask for directions. What can I say? He’s the perfect guy.”

And he’s a real doll: Each Huggable Hunk is 5-feet-8 and can fold to fit in a suitcase. (No more long-distance relationships.) He weighs 13 pounds but looks like a buff 170 or so. He’s not totally anatomically correct, but that sexy washboard stomach is good enough for me. (Of course, he does have one flaw: He costs $175.)

The Huggable Hunk is a total romantic. He wears black silk boxer shorts and carries a red rose and a personalized letter. He will send his owner a birthday card and a Valentine’s Day card, he’s a good listener, and he makes a great companion in the car. (Warning to would-be lawbreakers: Don’t try driving the diamond lanes with H.H. He may seem real enough to you, but he’s not man enough to make you a carpool.

Stofsky came up with the idea last year while she was dating a man who lived in New York.

“When he came to visit me, he was so cuddly,” she said. “I missed . . . the cuddling. I was going to get a stuffed giraffe, but this is better.”

The two have since broken up.

“I don’t need him,” she said. “I’ve got all these guys around!”

Information: https://www.huggablehunks.com or (888) 930-9109.

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Take a date, stuffed or otherwise, to the Feb. 16 production of Eve Ensler’s feminist play “The Vagina Monologues.” The event will be as star-studded here as it was in New York City, where it was performed last year on Valentine’s Day.

The production, a collection of monologues based on interviews with women about their most intimate body part, will feature Kirstie Alley, Gillian Anderson, Lara Flynn Boyle, Melissa Etheridge, Calista Flockhart, Gina Gershon, Kristen Johnston, Kathy Najimy, Winona Ryder and others.

Proceeds from the performance at the Wiltern Theatre will benefit organizations committed to stopping violence against women. For tickets ($43 to $1,500) call (323) 549-5347.

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Rock ‘n’ roll Ralphs on Sunset Boulevard has become an institution because of the Hollywood hipsters and rockers who shop there. And now, saxophonist Rick Rossi and his band Taurus are on the way to making the Studio City outpost of the grocery store the jazz Ralphs.

Rossi and his jazz quartet were hired for the grand opening of the store on Ventura Boulevard, just west of Lankershim Boulevard, the first weekend in January. Apparently, customers took to the tunes and Taurus was asked to play every weekend through the end of the month.

“I must say it’s been one of the coolest gigs I’ve done in a long time, believe it or not,” said Rossi. “The response has been great, everybody digs it and the band is thrilled.” Taurus will be play between the tomatoes and the potatoes in Ralphs’ produce department today from 4 to 8 p.m.; Saturday and Sunday from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m.

Jazz at Ralphs . . . only in L.A.