Defusing One’s Anger May Be the Best Way to Win the Fight

Despite being exhausted from the cross-country flight, Sandra Crowe hurried excitedly out of Washington’s Dulles International Airport expecting her brand new Acura TL 3.2 to be waiting at curbside. That was the dealership’s promise when she bought the car before leaving on the monthlong business trip: A driver would chauffeur her home from the airport in her new Acura.

The driver was there. Her new car wasn’t. Crowe was seething as the driver explained his instructions--to pick her up and take her to the dealership. Crowe, a communications trainer and speaker who specializes in methods of offsetting ineffective behaviors, knew she needed to practice what she preached. So she expressed her anger.

“I said to the driver, ‘I am really furious about this,’ ” she recounts. The driver told her not to kill the messenger. “I said, ‘I’m not angry with you. I’m just angry,’ ” she says, adding that the distinction is a key to practicing safe anger.

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Especially now, when flying off the handle at undeserved wrongs and perceived injustices in modern life has become a front-page story. Whether it manifests itself behind a car steering wheel or at the supermarket checkout line, people must learn to handle their anger effectively, says Crowe, the author of “Since Strangling Isn’t an Option: Dealing With Difficult People--Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions” (Perigee Trade Paperback, $13.95).

“We have to take responsibility for our anger. There are two basic ways that we respond to our anger: expression and suppression. The problem with expression, even though it feels good, is it can have long-term damage to others. The problem with suppression is that it is damaging to ourselves down the line.”

The trick is to find ways to express anger that free people from it rather than enslave them. Where to start? “Physically or verbally express your anger--but don’t make it about the other person, make it about yourself,” says Crowe, explaining that when we are enraged it is always about ourselves. “Nobody can make us angry without our permission.”

Crowe believes taking the emotional high road is the path of least resistance. “Let’s say the same thing happens to the Dalai Lama,” she says, theoretically involving the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism in a fender-bender. “My guess is the Dalai Lama doesn’t experience anger. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t show it. He might get out of the car and address the situation. He would probably look at them and ask if they realize the consequences of their actions. But he wouldn’t get angry.”

People shouldn’t feel wrong for experiencing anger, Crowe says. “I’m just pointing out that there are realistic ways of reacting and channeling our anger that have benefits and get to solutions.”

In the article “10 Steps to Winning Every Argument” on Crowe’s Web site (https://www.pivpoint.com), you learn that a certain way to win any argument is by not having to win the argument. Get it? If “winning” it isn’t predicated on winning, you can’t lose for winning.

Crowe likens her ways of defusing anger to aikido, the modern martial art that uses an attacker’s own aggressiveness to gain control of or defeat him. Aikido largely de-emphasizes the combative element of martial arts in favor of self-improvement, harmony and peace. Crowe refers to her anger-resolving techniques as “verbal aikido.” She compares how they work to one of her first aikido exercises in which she sat on her heels in a kneeling position. When she relaxed and focused on centering herself at the energy point above her midsection, no one could push her over.

“You don’t use force, you use energy to do that,” she explains. “That’s the whole basis of my book: How do you keep yourself firm and strong and in your own world as much as possible, so that you are unaffected or less affected no matter what the other person is doing?”

All anger is a desire to take action to compensate for an injustice you’ve felt, says Crowe. So the simplest solutions involve positive action. Besides saying, “I’m angry about this,” she recommends physically shaking your hands and arms: “You shake the anger and anxiety off of your physical body.” Otherwise, she relies on saying to herself or the offending person, “Tell me what I can do.”

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Crowe recalls a client who worked with a man who was rude, angry, aggressive, impatient and never failed to make her angry. “Every time he walked into her office, she would fold her arms, look down and wait impatiently for the interaction to end,” she says. Realizing the office oaf wouldn’t change himself, the woman altered their equation and, the next time, stood up straight, looked directly at him and asked, “How can I help you today?”

“The man was flabbergasted,” says Crowe. “He has been more open and patient with her ever since. It is almost like our interactions are like a pingpong game. Depending on how we hit the ball, it will be received and returned to us in a like manner.

“The most dangerous problem is getting stuck. When people ‘go postal,’ it is because they can’t see any alternative, any way to take action.”

Crowe believes how people handle anger ultimately comes down to how they view the world. “The belief system I hold is that everything that happens to me happens for some higher learning.”

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She gives an example: “If the guy in my office is a real jerk, it means I am being tested to see what my reaction will be. If I hold that vision, everything comes out more positive.”

When Crowe arrived at the auto dealership that evening, she still had a few choice words to express. “But when I got there,” she says, “the guy who was helping me had this huge smile on his face.”

She turned the angry moment into a learning experience: “After interacting with him, I decided I wanted to adopt his reality instead of being upset.”