Who’s Who. Says who?

Concept: Harper’s Bazaar party at Mr Chow’s celebrating its “Who’s Who” in Hollywood article in the July issue.

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Reality: No questions, please. “I didn’t bring the brain, I just brought the face,” says Tyra Banks as she vamps her way through the crowded tent. But who can talk above the mega-decibel dance music spun by barmeister-cum-deejay John Sidell, anyway? Still, the party is a visual delight, packed as it is with young Dolce & Gabbana-clad bodies snacking on crab legs and shrimp toast by the bespectacled restaurateur. “I love Harper’s Bazaar,” says (shouts, really) Rose McGowan, who arrives sans Marilyn. The issue “affected me so greatly that I had to actually leave the 323 area code, for once.” For Mike Figgis, who arrived from London the night before, this is a total immersion course in La-La culture. “I am actually quite intrigued by these events because you get an all-in-one concentrated experience,” says the director, tagging along with main squeeze Saffron Burrows. “It’s like going to a very high-class zoo.”

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In circulation: “I’m here because my fiance is being honored,” explains Jennie Garth, whose husband-to-be, actor Peter Facinelli, is pegged by Harper’s Bazaar as a rising star. More than “Hollywood: The Next Generation,” it’s pairs and unpairs that characterize this gathering. Rosanna Arquette stops by to say howdy to ex-husband Sidell. “We do have a child together, you know,” she quips. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and husband John share complementary motives for being here: “free food” and “free drinks,” respectively. Sofia Coppola arrives Spikeless but with brother Roman. The party’s axis revolves around the “Billy Couch,” where Billy Bob Thornton and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons (who will produce an upcoming Thornton musical project) take seats. The newlywed actor-director, who reportedly suffers from an unceasing lust for wife Angelina Jolie, currently on location in London, takes their geographical separation in stride. “We have fun missing each other,” he says, “because when we come back together, it’s like two freight trains.” The cleanshaven Thornton and the hyper-bearded Gibbons make for an odd couple to be palling around at, of all things, a Harper’s Bazaar fete. “Well,” says Billy Bob. “We didn’t hear the ‘Harper’s’ part when they invited us.”

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What’s the score?

CELEB QUOTIENT: The issue celebrates up-and-comers, but the shindig attracts a respectable number of the already-arrived.

WOW FACTOR: White tent and swinging paper lanterns offer little decor, but the elbow-to-elbow schmoozathon make this worth sticking around for.

CHOW LINE: Mr Chow’s ample supply of Zone-friendly protein tidbits might suit the slenderizing fashionistas, but apple martinis notwithstanding, carbs and dessert are a Mr No-Show.