Imagine If You Will . . . ‘The 1960s House’

Fox Knock-Off Network will build its fall season around a “highly original” reality-based television show called “The 1960s House,” network executives announced this week.

The show confines a contemporary family to a house in Berkeley, as it would have been in 1968. The family must survive not only the ‘60s . . . but each other.

Each week, in so-called “hot tub councils,” the family votes out a relative. However, individual family members can ensure their survival an extra week by winning “character building” trials that pit loved ones against each other.

The show is to be hosted by Max Trevor who, according to critics, has a rare ability to follow a humiliating line of questioning with a display of almost genuinely human concern. “It’s hilarious stuff,” said a Knock-Off exec. “Wait ‘til you get a load of these morons.”

When it was pointed out that the new show sounds like a crude mix of CBS’ “Survivor” and PBS’ “The 1900 House,” one executive shout back, “No way! Come on, that’s a b@#$! question.”

The Times has obtained a top-secret tape of the show’s pilot.

Episode 1

Meet the Nielsens:

* Grandpa Fred--a septuagenarian and ex-Navy Seal who can still kick the snot out of you.

* Aunt Luni--Is it a chemical imbalance or was it Fred’s child-rearing?

* Father Richard--He’s a man of principle, particularly those espoused by Machiavelli.

* Mother Teresa--She’s a saint and a martyr and a chocoholic.

* Daughter Buffy--She’s a misunderstood teen.

* Son Holden--In his book, the world is made up of big phonies.

Day One is trial-free as the family adjusts. In the morning, Teresa faints when she lays eyes on the avocado green kitchen appliances. “I can’t cook here, it’s hideous,” she mumbles as she collapses to the linoleum floor.

Later, Holden grumbles when he’s forced by Richard to stand in the southeast corner of the house with an antenna to improve TV reception on their 19-inch black and white. “It’s good exercise for your arm, buddy,” Richard tells Holden. “I can see your biceps getting bigger.”

In the family unit’s first meal together since Thanksgiving 1991, Buffy storms from the dinner table, proclaiming, “I’m not wearing a bra and nobody noticed! Do I exist? I hate you! I hate you all!’

Day Two brings the first trial: Listening to Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” at the loudest volume possible without losing consciousness. Grandpa Fred, who suffered a 60% hearing loss in both ears during the Inchon campaign in Korea, wins handily.

That night, Buffy is unanimously voted out. As is customary, the host turns to the castaway and says: “The commune has spoken. Unplug your lava lamp. You must leave without speaking, without dignity and without your clothes. Hit the bricks.”

Though it will be edited from the final broadcast version, Buffy flashes a peace sign then cripples the host with a swift knee to the groin as Grandpa Fred cheers.

Episode 2

The horror starts to kick in as the Nielsen clan grapples with busy signals, Carnation Instant Breakfast and the Munsters.

The trial: bong water consumption. Once again, Grandpa Fred, who lost his taste buds during the Battle of Hue, wins by gulping down 2.5 gallons.

Hot tub council: Until dinner, polls show Aunt Luni on the way out. But when Teresa emerges with teensy skewers, stale cubes of French bread and a fondue pot of Gruyere , her fate is sealed.

Episode 3

Grandpa Fred succumbs to seasickness on his water bed and makes a big mess. Richard privately blubbers to each family member that he loves them the most and hates all the others. Aunt Luni begins chanting, stops shaving and urges everyone, “Come on people now, smile on your brother . . .” Holden starts shaving and finishes reading “The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.”

The trial: Pen an antiwar song. In much the same way that Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” was widely misinterpreted as a patriotic song, the show’s musical judges misconstrue Grandpa Fred’s heartfelt ballad “I’m Going to Bomb You Into the Stone Age” and declare him the winner.

Hot tub council: Moments before the voting, Holden runs away to join the Merry Pranksters.

Episode 4

The field narrows; tensions skyrocket. Grandpa Fred booby-traps his room. Aunt Luni gives private Tarot card readings but stacks the deck with the Death card. “Oh, it looks very bad for you. Very bad, I’m afraid,” she tells the other two. Richard bugs Aunt Luni’s room but is foiled in Grandpa Fred’s room when a bear trap clamps shut on his leg.

The trial: Good cop, Chicago Democratic Convention cop. The trio, dressed as hippies, must run through a gauntlet of hopping-mad Windy City cops. Grandpa Fred wins by knocking out a cop, stealing his clothes and walking through the line untouched.

Hot tub council: Aunt Luni votes for Richard and vice versa. Grandpa Fred casts the deciding vote--it’s Richard. In a twist, when the host tries to unplug Richard’s lava lamp, it won’t budge; Richard has super-glued its plug to the wall socket. But Richard’s ploy is foiled by Aunt Luni, who gnaws through the cord and also sustains third-degree mouth burns.

Episode 5

And then there were two.

The trial: The board game “Battleship.” Aunt Luni, an Aquarius with a moon in the seventh house of Jupiter, or something like that, pummels the poor ex-Navy boy, Grandpa Fred.

He does not take defeat well and demands a rematch. When it’s refused, Grandpa Fred tries to get Aunt Luni in a GI Joe Kung Fu death grip. Luckily, security intervenes and Luni is crowned the winner.

“I’ve never won anything before!” declares a sobbing Luni. “What do I get? What do I get?”

“Nothing,” replies Trevor. “Surviving is its own reward. Good night, everybody!”