LAUGH LINES

Close Call: O.J. Simpson is “in a [Miami] hotel with his new girlfriend. . . . They get into a fight. Apparently it was quite serious because at one point, O.J. phoned down to room service and said, ‘Send up an alibi.’ ” (David Letterman)

Shoe Sale: At a “major celebrity memorabilia auction . . . the high point was when the slippers worn by Judy Garland in ‘The Wizard of Oz’ were sold for $660,000. The buyer . . . put them on, clicked his heels and said, ‘There’s no place like bankruptcy.’ ” (Craig Kilborn)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Signs Your

Weatherman Is on Drugs

7. How else do you explain seeing a Doppler 4000 in local pawnshop?

6. Segues to sports guy by saying, “Now here’s the narc.”

5. Between “Thun-” and “-der,” a three-minute pause while he stares into camera.

4. Stands next to map of U.S., screams, “Fear me, I’m a giant!”

3. Says, “There are record highs in this area.” Points to head.

2. When he says, “Expect 2 to 3 inches of snow,” it ain’t no ski report.

1. So stoned he doesn’t know difference between nimbostratus clouds and stratocumulus clouds.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.