Grandma, Grandpa Know Best

Lillian is 83 and raising her 13-year-old grandson.

“I just have to live a few more years,” she said, “to see him off to college.”

Lillian and a roomful of other grandparents gather each week in Sylvie de Toledo’s Sherman Oaks living room to talk about raising children the second time around.

They are part of Grandparents as Parents, a support group founded by De Toledo in 1987 that deals with issues they never imagined having to face: raising schoolchildren with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, trying to keep their teenagers out of gangs or simply attempting to muster the energy to corral an active toddler. Some even have to deal with infants and formula.

“I had hoped to retire to Leisure World,” Lillian said. “But my plans changed overnight.

A recent evening meeting of the group--one of two that De Toledo hosts each week--is a sad mix of stories about parents who have abandoned their children for drugs, alcohol and gangs. Others have lost custody because of instability or neglect. One grandmother said she’s picking up the pieces because her daughter is in a gang and working as a prostitute, while the father of one of her grandchildren is in jail. She now cares for her 8-year-old grandson and 7-year-old granddaughter--whose father is unknown--and is seeking to adopt both.

“It never entered my head that I would be doing this now,” said the grandmother, who is in her mid-50s.

The grandparents are bombarded with their own issues of failing health and limited incomes, along with the complexities of raising children with profound issues of abandonment.

“How they parented their first set of children may not work with these kids,” De Toledo said.

De Toledo, 45, is a skilled listener. As each of the grandparents shares the good and bad that’s happened over the previous week, she responds with a dose of tough love and compassion.

“It’s really hard,” she tells 55-year-old Maryann, currently struggling with her 13-year-old granddaughter, who the group fears is at risk of joining a gang. “Especially when you want to be a doting grandparent and you can’t.”

About 17 grandparents trickled into the meeting. Each shared their stories over two hours. Some left early to get home to relieve baby-sitters. “No one here has a problem that we all haven’t experienced before,” said 53-year-old Larry, currently raising his 4-year-old granddaughter with his wife, Lynn, 52. “Sylvie has a way of focusing us. She always says the right thing.”

De Toledo saw the difficulties of grandparents suddenly thrust in the role of parenting their grandchildren after her sister died in 1983, orphaning her 8-year-old nephew Kevin. With no father in the picture, the boy came to live with De Toledo’s parents in their Culver City home. She returned home to help out, having just received her master’s degree in social work from Sacramento State University.

About the same time, De Toledo starting noticing an increase of grandparents parenting their grandchildren in her work as a child and family therapist. While the stories varied, the feelings of isolation, resentment and exhaustion were universal.

“I thought there must be some way to get these grandparents together,” she said. “These families were having crises.”

Since its 1987 founding, De Toledo’s support group has expanded to six others throughout Los Angeles County. New groups are forming at Kaiser Permanente in Panorama City, where De Toledo’s husband, Jeff, is a pulmonary critical care doctor.

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De Toledo devotes herself full-time now to the groups, her 3-year-old daughter and her sick mother, who lives with the couple. She even co-wrote a book, “Grandparents As Parents” (Guilford Press, 1995).

“This is such a shock to me that my life changed in this way,” De Toledo said. “But I think that something really great came out of my sister’s death.”

There are an estimated 3.9 million grandparent-headed households, according to the 1990 U.S. Census. And the Grandparent Information Center of the American Assn. of Retired Persons, a national organization for retired people, expects to see the number increase dramatically--perhaps as much as a third--after the 2000 Census is finalized. “The number is skyrocketing,” De Toledo said.

The support group also shares laughs and lots of pats on the back. Members get together--grandchildren and all--often in the summer for picnics, to visit museums or play miniature golf. They even baby-sit for one another to get a much-needed break.

“It’s one big extended family and everyone helps everyone else,” De Toledo said. “These grandparents deserve a gold medal for what they are doing.”

For more information on Grandparents as Parents, a nonprofit organization offering support groups along with other assistance for grandparents serving as caregivers, call (818) 789-1177 or Kaiser Permanente at (818) 375-3018.

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