LAUGH LINES

Trial ‘n’ Error: “The Chicago Tribune says 40 death row inmates executed in Texas had inept defense attorneys. The paper said the lawyers never presented evidence of low IQ. Hey, they were trying to get their clients acquitted--not elected governor.” (Argus Hamilton)

Tick Tock: “The movie ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ . . . is about how long George W. Bush would last on ‘Jeopardy.’ ” (Jay Leno)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Ways to Anger Bill Gates

* Infect his computerized house with virus that makes garage door open and close constantly.

* When the Domino’s pizza guy doesn’t have change for a billion.

* Remind him ankle-length pants on women are fashionable; on men, they’re just dorky.

* Pretend to be the bank manager and say he’s down to a measly gazillion dollars.

* Change his America Online greeting to “You got screwed.”

* Phone him during “Dawson’s Creek.”

* Point out that he and Janet Reno are looking more and more alike.

* Kid him about being married for nine years and never getting to first base.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.