Who Do That Voodoo? Evil Owners of Action Figures and Toy Dolls
Dolls of Doom Bureau: Like most Americans, we frequently lie awake at night worrying about the safety of the Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, former stars of ABC’s pioneering sitcom “Full House.”
Frankly, we’re not sure the world could go on if something tragic were to happen to one or--heaven forbid--both of them.
Now, a new threat has arisen. According to Houston-based voodoo expert Ruben Cardenas, the Olsen twins are in grave danger of having an evil curse placed on them. Evidently, action figures and toy dolls modeled after celebrities can easily be turned into makeshift voodoo dolls.
Thus, if malevolent forces get hold of Mattel’s new Olsen line, disaster is sure to follow.
And that’s just the beginning. Cardenas says other key celebrities are also at risk for voodoo attack, including Mr. T, Elizabeth Taylor, Ewan MacGregor, Gumby, various professional wrestlers and George Washington (who recently had a G.I. Joe doll made in his likeness).
Off-Kilter Pop Quiz: You can catch more flies with:
* Honey
* Vinegar
* A generous benefits package that includes 401(k), stock options and free dental care.
* An airborne insect version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” hosted by Regis Philbin. Sample question: Shell No-Pest Strips are . . . (a) an appetizer usually served with salsa, (b) a type of fancy wallpaper used to decorate many insect homes, (c) an ice-cream flavor at Baskin-Robbins, (d) the handiwork of Satan.
Answer to quiz appears below.
Department of Weird Polls: It has been said that there are no atheists in foxholes. But new research reveals that isn’t always true, especially if the person sprained an ankle while running for cover. According to a survey by SxSportsMed.com, people are 4% less likely to believe in God after suffering a sports injury.
Alarming Trends Watch: Coming soon: Pokemon ketchup bottles.
Pop Quiz Answer: Contrary to popular wisdom, the best way to catch flies is with vinegar, according to Lawrence Diggs, curator of the International Vinegar Museum in Roslyn, S.D.
Fruit flies love to congregate around vinegar barrels, said Diggs, so “whoever coined the adage that ‘you catch more flies with honey than vinegar’ was wrong.”
Personal Ad of the Week: Found on the Internet: “Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan!”
Bonus Internet ad: “Staunch Jewish feminist seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.”
Quotes Inc.: From eBay, the online auction house, explaining why it stopped a Canadian man from offering his soul to the highest bidder: “eBay does not allow the auctioning of human souls for the following reasons: If the soul does not exist . . . there would be nothing to sell. However, if the soul does exist, then in accordance with eBay’s policy on human parts and remains, we would not allow the auctioning of [it].”
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Outhouse Horror: Cheapskate Grandpa Drowns in Privy Pit While Trying to Retrieve His False Teeth!” (Weekly World News)
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Unpaid Informants: https://www.vinegarman.com, Allison Joyce, PR Newswire, Fred Nadel, Jim Carr, Arizona Daily Star. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
